2020 journal

december 25, 2020

11:40 p.m.

this is actually going to be my final digital entry. 

i didn't want to forget this by the time i finish transcribing this year's journal, so here i am. yesterday, i began rereading the harry potter series. often times, when i reread, i tend to read with the voiceless thought in my head, merely skimming words as my brain skips ahead because i already know what to expect. but i don't want to do that with harry potter. i want to enjoy it all again and absorb all the little details again. so i have been reading with the actual voice in my head--the one that articulates every syllable and takes its time, not racing the clock or desperate for the end. that in itself is joyous, but when i opened the book, i found a bookmark placed where i last stopped reading. it was a little two by four inch drawing a friend gifted me back in sophomore year. shayne drew this with ink, only adding a splash of read. it's titled "to kiss a fish under the water's surface," and i've always been quite fond of it. 

because i thought of him, i wanted to reach out. it's been a really long time, over a year i think, since we last spoke. i might have asked him for pictures of his corgi when i was sad one time. but i reached out just to see how he's doing in life. we talked for a bit, and it was easy to talk to him because we were never super close, so i never feared judgement. but talking to him again after all this time really made me realize how kind he is. he's always said he has never been great with words, but i think he's wrong. he is kind in that our conversations are never superficial. they aren't annual merry christmases or happy birthdays just to ask "how are you?" and respond "i'm great! hope you are as well!" just to never speak again. he genuinely wanted to listen, and for that, i am grateful for him. it's been nearly three years since i have seen him, and i think it would be nice to say hi in person again someday.

one thing he said to me is that he's always viewed me as a strong person. it surprises me because i didn't think he ever cared for me that much. many relationships in my life are superficial and often tied by obligation or acquaintance, but i didn't realize i had played any significance in his life. i think moving forward, i will try to keep him closer and check in more often. he's a good person. thank you, shayne.

and to future amanda, merry christmas. i don't know if you celebrate, but if you do, i truly do hope you are happy and can spend time with people you love. i only celebrate almost out of obligation. i do love the holiday spirit, but maybe it's the fact i'm obligated to celebrate with family that i don't really care for it that much. i would much rather spontaneous gifts and making time for each other and spreading joy to those around you and being thankful all year round instead. we've capitalized holidays like christmas and thanksgiving, and it's so materialistic. this spirit shouldn't be tied to a certain holiday. i don't know. that could be a certain part of me speaking. the part that envies the close, loving relationships people have with their families. the part that has never spent christmas with someone i have grown to love so immensely. the part that missed out on all the holiday traditions growing up because my mom just didn't understand and out of fear, i never expressed my interest in them.

there's a lot of pain surrounding the holidays for me, and i hope you have turned that around. 

goodnight.