2020 journal

december 18, 2020

12:31 a.m.

i feel so numb. there's a lump in my throat, and i feel so desperate for someone to talk to right now. this is definitely not the loneliest i've felt before, but i do feel incredibly lonely.

all my life, i've had loads of friends and acquaintances but no one who i could rely on and trust and love while knowing they love me, too. no one to cry to and no one to share my excitement over stupid little things with. i had people who liked me because i'm a good person. but, i never feel like i belong. i'm always the odd one out. i'm always hiding behind a facade. i'm always the plus one. i'm like an extra in these separate friend groups who, because i'm a kind person and no one has a reason to dislike me, simply tags along. i felt this all my life...until i met her. 

she is the one person who chose me. she chose me. for once, i was a first choice. for once, i had someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. even then, i wasn't fully transparent. i was never able to reach that point. but i knew i could always talk to her when i had no one else. because i did have no one else. 

but today, i don't feel that love. tonight, i feel forgotten. i feel like an extra again. i feel like an imposter with surface-level friendships. no one to actually talk to at a time like this.

tomorrow, she leaves for davis-monthan in tuscon. we had planned to see each other one more time to say goodbye because i don't know when the next time i get to see her will be. but we didn't. she said she would let me know when or if i could come. she never did. she went to bed, and i feel like she forgot about me. i understand if there was no way i could have come or she could have come to me. but a word would have been better than nothing. i don't think she meant any harm, but i feel so... lonely. i think about her all day, everyday, but i can't tell her that and i can't just talk to her as often as i want to because i don't want her to become annoyed. but i'm afraid tonight she might have. 

and tonight, i feel hurt because i'm up hoping she might just have been busy and will respond to me. because as soon as (if) she says yes to meeting up, i will rush to my car and go. but all the while, she probably forgot to give me another thought before she turned in for the night, only thinking about leaving tomorrow. 

it all brings me back to the fact that i am alone, and i am lonely. even after finding someone i love like i have never loved anyone before, in the end, i am alone. what is wrong with me?

time and time again i have tried to change my environment, start over, find people who don't know my past. but it never works. i somehow still end up left out. i have never been a first choice and am afraid i may never be. 

future amanda-- i hope you are no longer lonely. i hope you find your people. i hope you are someone's first choice. i hope you stop wondering who truly cares and actually know. 

by the way, is your room clean? mine isn't. hasn't been for months, since may i think. and i know you know what that means. i hope yours is clean. please tell me it gets better.