2020 journal

january 27, 2020

2:43 a.m.

i'm in bed and it's that time of the night when i start thinking too hard about everything and cry too much. and right now, i'm scared. i'm so scared. i'm almost as scared as when i learned my mom found out 5 months ago that i like girls. i still haven't talked to her about it.

but i'm scared because i can feel my girlfriend and me drifting apart. i don't know why and i don't think i'm in a position to do much about it. but i can feel it and it hurts so much. she is the only reason i ever felt happy again, and i'm scared that if i lose her, i will never feel it again and for good this time. she saved me in a time when i was drowning and reached the point where i didn't want to be saved.

i'm scared but i also feel sorry. i feel sorry because in reality, she may not be everything i want or need. and i don't know if she's enough. and as much as i love her, i'm afraid i will reach a point where i will need more. and i don't know how to tell her. i don't feel trapped but i feel like i'm settling deeper into a crevice that over time, it will be harder to break loose from and if i do, it will hurt us both so much more.

i just don't know what to do.

my gut tells me it's the long distance that is giving me this feeling in the first place. i'm not around her enough and there's not enough physical affection for me to be emotionally stable. i'm a very physical person. most people would not see me as someone to do ldr.