2020 journal

november 11, 2020

3:56 a.m.

secrets.

i'm up late doing work but not really because i have no self control, so naturally i was scrolling on instagram. there is this person out there that makes these videos where they set up a mic in a public park or something and record and allow people to go up and tell their secrets. then they can choose to either reveal themselves by turning around or walking away. i first stumbled upon one of their videos a long time ago, so i thought this one was that really old one. but, in this video, people were wearing face masks, so that's how i know it was filmed this year. 

i watched about half of it, and it got me thinking--what are my biggest secrets? i don't really know how to pinpoint which is necessarily the biggest secret, so i wanted to describe them here. future amanda, you decide which was the biggest.

1. my bisexuality. this is a weird thing because i feel like i live such different lives depending on who i'm around. i shut this part of me away around my family and my family's friends and any middle aged vietnamese adult who could somehow circle back around to my parents. but when i'm with my friends and the rest of the world, i feel seen and heard. i've known for four years that i'm bisexual, but perhaps the deeper part of this secret is i'm not certain of that anymore. recently, i've seen and read things that make me question whether i'm bisexual or lesbian. i don't know, but i haven't told a soul this.

2. my mental instability and suicidal thoughts. there are layers to this one. i know i have mental health issues, but i have never seen anyone about it so i can't say i have a mental illness because that feels disrespectful to those who do. i started recognizing the signs in 7th grade back in 2014/2015. i don't remember much, but i know that year, a girl my age (13) from another high school nearby committed suicide. i didn't know her personally, but i just remember thinking what that is like. in 8th grade, i remember wondering if i'd make it to high school, and even though i was scared during active shooter drills, part of me deep down always thought that if something were to happen, i would not hesitate to protect my peers--at least that's what i told myself. i actually thought it's easier to be killed than to kill myself. because at least that way, no one would have to know my thoughts. this is also the year i watched the movie cyberbully for the first time. i cried, yes because it was sad, but also because i was scared to leave everyone behind. nevertheless, i started "having headaches" very often as an excuse to take pain pills. and when my mom thought i was taking one or two if it was "bad," i would sneak in an extra one or two more. i did this for at least 14 days straight. not sure why i stopped; probably got impatient and decided it was too much work. i also almost tried cutting, but was afraid i'd get caught, so the closest i got was scratching myself with pencils. anyways, it's been nearly 6 years, and i'm still here, so... not thriving mentally, but i don't want to die anymore. progress!

3. this journal. kinda speaks for itself. 

also, i definitely told two of them that a close family friend died of covid as an excuse to not go to class and get an extension on assignments.... oops. i took it a little too far which is why i'm up now playing catch up.

okay i'm actually gonna go try to do work now. i hate how my thoughts flow so effortlessly here, but i can't muster out a paragraph for any of my 5 assignments. very sad. fuck.