2020 journal

october 11, 2020

2:36 a.m.

hi! i was gonna write two days ago, but i kept pushing it off. anyways, today (yesterday, now) was world mental health day, so i want to do some check-ins with myself here. i'm gonna answer some questions that @shityoushouldcareabout on ig posted. :)

1. how am i? really.

i'm okay, i think. i'm not too stressed out right now. balancing schoolwork isn't incredibly difficult. i've been so unmotivated to work out, especially alone. some days, i want to just lie in bed all day and not do anything, but unfortunately, that's impossible. i miss vy everyday, but i'm okay. i miss having friends around and social interaction outside of my house in general, but again, i'm okay. i miss having things to focus on like the vision, but i'm starting to get involved in clubs, so i guess that's okay, too. so, i don't really know how i am. 

when people ask for one word to describe my life right now, i say "stagnant." it's been put on hold. no adventure, no excitement, nothing to feed my curiosity and free spirit. yet time moves on past me. i have to go to class  and do my chores and prepare meals. but everything feels lifeless. it's why i love video chatting with my friends, but i don't want to be a bother and ask people all the time. i spend a lot of time just on my phone in bed wanting to facetime or zoom someone, even if we just lay there and talk here and there. sometimes, vy and i do it. it mimics having a friend in my room just chilling. we do our own things and speak up to show each other a tiktok or laugh about something that happened that day or eat food together without exchanging many words at all. i just want that casual interaction. i miss it all. 

but yeah, i'm good i think? for the most part. today (like, actually today october 11) is national coming out day and another reminder that i'm so afraid coming out to my family and angry that i feel that way. i wrote a 3-page coming out letter to my mom about a year ago but never gave it to her. so now, every national coming out day that i haven't come out will always be a reminder of the pain i went through at the beginning of senior year trying to process the fact that my mom might be on to me and obviously doesn't accept it. it's a long story. maybe i'll tell it another time. long story short, lots of tears were shed, and we got nowhere.

2. have i checked in on my mates lately? my quiet mates? my loud mates? my work mates?

no, i haven't. i used to a lot more often when i actually talked to people often. now i can't even bring myself to text someone i miss. sometimes i check in with my juniors. 

3. am i getting enough sleep?

no, but i don't care. i'm trying to care, but i just can't. it's never a priority, and i have such a hard time disciplining myself to put my phone away and go to sleep. i always just let my body start to shut down as a sign to go to sleep. i always push it, and i don't know how to control myself. 

4. do i know my boundaries? should i set some?

not really. what boundaries are we talking here? like, mental, i assume? no, i don't. how many hours without sleep is too much? i don't know. so far, this semester, my record is 36. how much can i procrastinate an assignment before needing to start without stressing myself out? i don't know. i never don't stress myself out in order to complete assignments. majority of my assignments are done last minute. i say it's cause the adrenaline rush gets me speeding, but i think i just don't have any self-discipline and control for these kinds of things. i think, in my head, i decide on the order that i do things based on how easy they are, how severe the consequences will be if i were to not do it at all, and how easy it is to make an excuse and buy myself extra time. here are some examples. 

russian homework is easy--no analysis, i love taking notes it's so easy when i don't have to put too much thought into it, i know exactly how much work there is because the exact exercises are listed out in advance, if i need to turn it in late i apologize for the tardiness in an email and still receive full credit, if i need/want to miss a class (and this is for all zoom classes except rotc) i email about my shitty wifi or an emergency and get away with it. as a result, this can either be something i do first because it's easy, or it's something i do at the last minute for the same reason lmao.