2020 journal

november 12, 2020

1:57 a.m.

this isn't an entry on its own because i'm too exhausted and don't have the energy to write right now. this is a transcript of a video i filmed earlier. i find it easier to speak my thoughts during a breakdown and write after a breakdown. so, without further ado...

"hello. this is just for documentary sakes. it's november 11, 2020 6:40 p.m. 

i feel numb. i don't know. 

i just really been going through it lately and like the last two weeks especially and all semester. but the last two weeks, before today--before this very moment--i felt like there were reasons why, and i could pinpoint things or things i can blame, blame it on. or things i can say kinda triggered it. or different things that might stress me out. but right now, i just feel numb. i'm so tired. 

i don't know what to do other than suck it up and push through. i have two more days of classes this semester, and then, i have to prepare for all my finals which is gonna be hard because it was such a hard semester. a lot of days, i just couldn't bring myself to go to class, so i skipped a lot of class this semester. and i'm behind in every class, so this weekend i just have to cram and get it all in so i can pass my finals. 

even now, like, i have things in mind that i can pinpoint and say this, this and this led to this. i mean, i feel like... i feel like i've never put my mental health first. that's a starter. i've kind of always been pressured to do well in school. and the more i'm on tik tok, the more i realize that i'm not the only one that experiences this. um it's very common apparently--not based on research though, just based on what i'm seeing from other people--in gifted students. we're pushed a certain way, we're raised a certain way, and we approach school with a certain attitude. and by this point, we're burnt out. by college, you're burnt out. what am i supposed to do? i have the rest of my life ahead of me, but i spent thirteen years killing myself, and now i'm here. and it doesn't help that college is online. i'm doing classes through this little screen from this desk or from my bed when i can't get out. and for the longest time, i didn't even... i didn't even have friends. i still have no one to study with. 

and i thrive off, you know, social interaction i think. but this semester i feel like because i don't have that, i just don't feel myself. 

it's really hard. 

and next semester, i think it's gonna be the same way again. i think all my classes are gonna be online again, and i will have to stay home and do my classes like this again. but that's not the worst part. gary is gonna go to campus, and so i'll be alone again even more... even more than this semester. 

i hope it gets better. 

and it hurts. it hurts for sure. but it breaks my heart to know because i know for a fact that i can't be the only one experiencing this. i feel like this is such a universal experience right now all over the country. 

okay. i'm probably gonna go shower real quick and cool down, so i don't look like i'm crying because i have to go eat dinner soon. bye."