2020 journal

september 26, 2020

12:32 p.m.

wow so much for journaling more...

i hate that i don't have the kind of self-discipline to stick to the things i saw i will do or want to do. it's been a long month, but at the same time, it's all going by so fast. i just finished week 6, meaning i have 7 weeks left of the semester. school kinda sucks now, but there are still parts i enjoy like russian and rotc. i thought i'd be able to keep up the motivation, but i'm on the verge of losing it. i've almost completely given up in my literature class; i don't read anything for that class and am only doing the minimum to get by. i also don't ever pay attention in my news and media class. i only listen during the labs because that's where we actually do work. we usually just discuss things or talk about the readings in the lecture which i don't even have the books to. but yeah, i wish i was on campus. i really think i would have more motivation. being at home is a dread and i just don't feel like i'm actually at school. so other than no motivation, we're doing okay.

i've started to join clubs here and there. i'm in russian club, but i don't really care for it. i joined vietnamese students association last week, and just got my big yesterday. he's a senior and this is actually his last semester (rip), so i was like bruh if you go and get a job, when will ever get to meet you. but he said he does the most headass shit for his littles, so we will find a way. he's pretty cool and he's known as ham choi in vsa haha. i also have a co-little, and she seems cool, too. 

all the freshmen were also automatically put into these clusters and cohorts, which i still don't really understand, but it's okay. a cluster is like a group of 300 freshmen within the same school (so i'm in dornsife), and then within that cluster there's a bunch of cohorts which have about 15 students i think? it's the virtual equivalent of what would have been my dorm hall/wing and the vpm (virtual peer mentor) is what would have been an ra. we had a game night the other day and my breakout room played scribbl.io so it was fun. 

i also pulled an all nighter last week to design zoom backgrounds for the aot, and it received really great response from the whole squadron and the poc and the cadre! pretty wild and exciting. i was nervous about it because i had no experience in photoshop or illustrator before that. 

speaking of rotc, pt has been a dread doing it alone. they're starting zoom sessions next week for pt i think, so hopefully i can hop on those and be motivated and without judgement yikes. i've been struggling to find motivation to run, so not only am i not meeting my goals i set early this month, but i'm also not conditioning myself in preparation for the fitness assessment. i can't be lagging behind once we go in person. 

my life just feels like the same mess it's always in, and i can't ever seem to discipline myself enough to get my shit together. my room is still a fucking mess even after i deep cleaned and rearranged it in april/may. somewhere along the way, i just stopped and haven't picked it back up since. part of me wants to just stop and dedicate a whole saturday to finishing it, but i know i'm gonna make excuses for myself and not do it. so in reality, i think i will do it after exams around thanksgiving. 

anyways, i have a zoom cool now with my vpm. she's checking in with me and seeing how everything's going i guess? it's called trojan talks. i hope to write again soon.