2020 journal

may 17, 2020

7:37 p.m.

i'm in the middle of working on my finals right now, but i just need to stop to rant. 

i just had dinner earlier, and my dad asked where a friend from my home school is going to college (she's going to usa). and then my mom asked where another home school friend is going (she's going to msu). and the only thing my mom ever has to say is that everyone goes to school nearby, yet i'm always trying to go far. 

first of all, if it means i don't have to deal with this shit, then yes, of course. 

second of all, i don't know why she bothers bitching about it anymore. she said that, and i just got up and walked away. i don't have the energy to have this conversation again. i wish she would stop sometimes and at least try to see things from my perspective. i am tired of living a lie in this house. i am tired of not living to my fullest potential. i have no freedom here. no freedom to live unapologetically. there's so much more that life has to offer me, and being here only blocks that part off. i want adventure in a new place, yes, but i also want a life where i don't have to hide everything about me. i want to be openly bisexual. i want to have fun with friends. i want to explore my passions and do the things i love. i want to find myself. boarding school was a sneak peak into what that life could be. i believe going far for my college rather than staying near is the only way i can take a step towards leading the life i want for myself. i can't chain myself down.

and on top of that, usc is an amazing school. i don't think she realizes how great it is compared to our in-state schools. there is so much opportunity for me out there. i literally cannot stress that enough. i don't even know what's in my future, and that's not because i'm completely lost and going to california blindly. i don't know because i know my plans will change. i know i will discover so many interests and passions that i didn't even know exist. yes, i have a rough plan, but i just need her to trust me even just a little and let me go--not that she has much of a choice on that at this point because i've already committed on an air force rotc scholarship. that's binding, and by accepting, i'm incurring service commitment.

anyways, i'm just tired of the lectures and wish i actually had some support and encouragement. i've honestly become so numb to it to the disappointment that when i do get some sort of positivity or congratulations from them, it makes me uncomfortable and feels fake or sarcastic. honestly very sad thing to admit, but it's the truth. 

in other news, i've completed 3 out of 5 distance learning finals. i have a red walgreens notebook btw that i've been using all of quarantine, so future me, if you still have it and wanna see what bullshit you were doing, check that out. i basically jotted down a bunch of random things that i've done. i also dated the quarantine/social distancing period, but it's not over yet, so idk what the end date will be. but anyways, my point is that throughout distance learning, i've tried to schedule and spread out my work so i'm not always cramming sunday night. you can tell through the weeks when i started caring less and less.