2020 journal

april 7, 2020

2:54 a.m.

i don't understand how time is going by so fast and how i'm losing track of time so easily. 

the last couple days have definitely been better. a couple days ago, i finished most of my work before it was due. i missed one stats thing, but i don't care. i just did it yesterday for a late grade. i also got on a zoom call with one of my counselors which was nice. the point was to talk about college, but of course we just talked about everything happening and life at home. it was good for me, i think.

i've been thinking so much yet so little at the same time lately, it's confusing. but anyways, tbh, i didn't get anywhere with him on the college topic. it was more like someone to tell my thoughts to and rant. and that's okay. it helps. he encouraged me to talk to people more since i have been almost isolating myself more than i already am. i didn't actually plan to take his advice. i was just like eh okay i guess, but i wasn't actually going to make any efforts. i felt too empty to try. 

but yesterday took a turn for the better i think. well i did stay up all night binging netflix, scrolling instagram, and watching tik toks until about 6 a.m. and then a friend had to wake me up for physics. then i stayed in bed all day just about. finally got productive at 3:30 ish or something. a different friend asked to study for our stats test, and i was like why the hell not just do it today? so we did the review, and then i was feeling connected again. like i got a little life in me after talking to her. it was nice. i haven't talked to anyone in so long, like actually talked. i get tired of my family.

and then later, i actually got a snapchat out of the blue from a girl i used to cheer with. we ended up texting for a bit and catching up. that was nice too. i hadn't talked to her since i left my old school. i'm glad she's doing well. (edit on july 30: her name is kaleigh. rereading this, i realized the description is too vague for me to understand who it is years down the road. i try to be specific enough with the exception of names for old me to recall these memories haha)

at that point, i was feeling good. but then, i scrolled past an old friend's instagram post about stanford. he lives in ohio, and i met him in 2015 at a retreat in canada. i hadn't talked to him since the end of that year, but i congratulated him and told him i am proud of him. so we exchanged numbers to catch up and ended up facetiming for a couple hours earlier. it was really nice. i do miss him and everyone else i met that year. we had nearly 5 years to catch up with, and we talked like we never left. it's crazy actually. just one more small reason why usc would be nice. i can meet up with him again maybe. we used to talk about the possibility of going to stanford together, and even though i didn't get in, i'm so proud of him. 

earlier, i also told my brother the gist of how i almost wanted to drop out my first semester of my junior year. i acted like i had told him before, so it didn't get too sentimental. but i'm glad i finally told him. i feel like it's important for him to know. not only does it serve as one small step toward me being okay, but i think it will also help him take one more step toward being more aware and grateful. 

another thing that happened today--i feel like i had a real conversation with my girlfriend for the first time in a while. lately, i've just been feeling so empty and detached from our relationship. so even though i don't think we got as far as i wanted to, it was something better than nothing. i asked about how much longer she thinks we'll be doing long distance. i honestly don't know. i think if we're able to make it work, it will still be a while, but she seems to be more optimistic about it. she's going to basic in september, then tech school, then she starts her 4 years. in those 4 years, i will be in school. then, i've got tech school and then my 4 years starts. so to me, that says 8 years. but she's really optimistic about being stationed near me, so we can see each other more often. i hope she's right. i love her, and i don't want to lose her. i just hope i don't fall apart and ruin things. 

i'm gonna go watch netflix or something now. goodnight.