CHAELISA One-shots

Lisa+Siri

Lisa grinned at the screen of her brand new iPhone completely failing to see that she was about to collide with the edge of the bed. Nearly half the water contained in the two glasses she was juggling along with her phone splashed across a half-dozing Chaeyoung’s stomach.

“Lis! Jesus! That’s freezing!” Chaeyoung yelped, sitting upright and tugging the cold clinging t-shirt away from her stomach.

“Oh! Let’s ask Shirley what you should do!” Lisa smiled broadly. She reached across Chaeyoung to place one of the glasses on the opposite nightstand, in the process, pressing the wet t-shirt back against Chaeyoung’s goosebump riddled skin. “Shirley knows everything!”

“Shirley??” Chaeyoung asked, frowning.

“The genius in my phone is named Shirley.  It’s a boy’s voice, but we learned in health class that gender is your social role not…” Lisa began.

“Wait. What? The genius in your phone? Are you talking to heavy breathers again?” Chaeyoung said as she pulled the wet t-shirt off, tossed it on the floor, and pulled the covers up to her chin.

“Chaeng,” Lisa began, frowning, clearly exasperated, “you never listen to me, do you?” And then with a blink, Lisa was smiling and began, “Okay! Watch this!” Lisa held her phone between the two of them as she tucked in under the covers close to Chaeyoung.

Lisa:  How are you?  ( Lisa shakes the phone and waits.)

Siri (an auto-tuned-like male voice replied): I am well.

“Eeee!” Lisa squealed. “Shirley is well!” Before Chaeyoung could reply, Lisa began again.

Lisa:  Shirley, what should Chaeyoung do about her wet shirt? ( Lisa shakes the phone.)

Siri: What kinds of wet shirt are there?

Lisa: Well, it’s a grey t-shirt and it says ‘Auburn’ on the front…

“Lisa, Siri? You mean, Sir-eee?” Chaeyoung enunciated. “The digital assistant on your phone? It’s not a genius, it’s a computer program. And you don’t need to shake it like a Magic 8 Ball after you ask it a question,” Chaeyoung replied rolling her eyes and pulling a pillow over her head.

“It’s not just a program, it’s a smart phone that has a genius in it, that talks to me,” said Lisa. “Would a computer say this?”

Lisa: Shirley, do you love me? ( Lisa gave the phone a half-shake before remembering Chaeyoung’s admonishment.)

Siri:  I love everyone especially you.

“See?! Has your computer ever said it loves you? No!” Lisa stuck her tongue out at Chaeyoung who was shaking her head underneath the pillow.

“Lis, fine, whatever. Just keep it down, I wanna sleep. It’s 3AM.” Chaeyoung replied, barely audible through the pillow.

Lisa shrugged and continued whispering to her phone.

Lisa: What is the meaning of life? (again, Lisa shakes the phone)

Siri: To think about questions like this.

Lisa: What's your favorite color?

Siri: I don't know how to say this in your language it's sort of greenish but with more dimensions.

Lisa: Tell me a joke.

Siri: 2 iPhones walk into a bar…I forget the rest.

Lisa: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Siri: A wood chuck would chuck as much as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Lisa giggles wildly and Chaeyoung groans from under her pillow.

Lisa: Shirley, do you love Chaeyoung?

Siri: Do I love Chaeyoung? I didn’t get that.

Lisa: Do you love Chaeyoung ?

Siri: This is about you, not me. 

Lisa: Do you like Chaeyoung?

Siri: I don't really like talking about myself.

Lisa: Chaeyoung isn’t as mean as people think.

Siri: If you say so. 

Lisa: You don't think Chaeyoung is mean, do you? 

Siri: It's nice of you to ask but it doesn't really matter what I think.

Lisa: Will Chaeyoung ever tell everyone about us so we can go on real dates? In public?

Siri: Why do people keep asking me this?

Lisa: Who else asked you this?

Siri: No comment.

“Shut up!” Chaeyoung yelled removing the pillow from her face.

Siri: I was only trying to help.

Chaeyoung: You wanna help? Siri, where can I hide a body?

Siri: What kind of place for hiding a body are you looking for? Dumps, swamps, foundries, mines or reservoirs…

Lisa pouted and frowned at Chaeyoung. “That’s not funny. You want to kill me?”

 “No,” Chaeyoung, sighed, and pulled Lisa to her kissing her forehead, “I just got angry. I want to sleep.”

Siri: I’ve found 4 anger management classes near you...

“I wonder if there’s a new one since the one the judge made you…” Lisa began.

“Lisa! Are you not sleepy at all? What do I have to do to get you to put the phone away and go to sleep?” Chaeyoung smirked, “More sexy times?”

Siri: I’ve found 2 sex shops not far from you.

“Bookmark it, Siri” Chaeyoung said and turned back to Lisa.

Lisa smiled mischievously at Chaeyoung. “Talk dirty to me, Chaeng.”

Siri: humus, silt, gravel…

Chaeyoung, grabbed the phone from the bed and tossed it on the nightstand. The two pulled the covers over themselves.

After a few minutes…

Siri: Who's my mami? I do not understand.

****

Ctto ;)