Fighting For What's Missing

4.

A few hours later...

Nothing. I've been trying to get in touch with Julia for hours now, but nothing. She won't return any of my text messages or missed calls. As much as I like Agnes and don't mind her being here, her mother still hasn't come to get her yet, and Julia is the only one with her number. It's already eight, a few hours past when Julia said Agnes' mother would get her.

This is the longest I've ever gone without alcohol or a smoke.

"William?" Agnes mumbles. We're settled on the couch, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender.

"Yeah?"

"I'm...tired," she says slowly. I turn to look at her and see she's fighting to keep her eyes open. I saw this coming. She was tired before, but to stop herself from taking a nap, she got up and started walking around until she got hungry and we walked to McDonald's.

"Okay-" the front door opens and Julia stumbles inside. She couldn't get much drugs with the twenty she took, so she must be drunk. I jump to my feet and move closer to her. "Give me your phone."

"What the fuck is she still doing here?"

"Don't curse in front of her," I warn her. Her makeup's smeared, her clothes are dirtier than before and she reeks of alcohol.  "Do you even have your phone? Does it work?"

"Yes-"

"Then why haven't you been answering my calls?!" I yell in a whisper. Agnes can clearly hear me, we're only a few feet away from her, but she doesn't have to hear me yell for real. "Agnes is tired, call her mother so she can sleep in her own bed tonight."

"I tried. I wanted to see if we got the money, but she's not picking up."

Fuck. Where the hell is she? I look back at Agnes. She's sitting up now but struggling to keep her head up. She needs to sleep. "Okay," I sigh, walking over to her. I pick her up and place her on the armchair. "Wait here, okay?"

She nods slowly.

"What are you doing?" Julia asks, but I ignore her and enter our bedroom. I open the closet, yank out the laundry bag with clean sheets and storm back out to the living room. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Stop cursing!" I snap, throwing the bag on the couch. In the corner of my eye, I see Agnes jump at the volume of my voice. I turn to her and kneel. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell like that. Give me a few minutes then you can sleep, alright? That sounds like a plan?"

She nods. Her big blue eyes are foggy with sleep.

"I'm out of here," Julia says, suddenly somber.

"Wait, what?" I follow her into our bedroom. She groans when she drops to the floor. She reaches under the bed and yanks out a duffel bag. That's her leaving bad. "W-why-Julia, where are you gonna go?"

"I dunno!" She stands up. "But I'm not staying here!"

"What happened?!"

"You!" She yells in my face. "The way you are with this little girl, I don't need that shit, Willy!"

"What are you talking about? She's leaving soon," I say in a lowered voice. I don't want Agnes to hear me. Her parents don't seem to care about her, she doesn't need to think I don't.

"I don't want kids, Willy! I see the way you are with her, and sooner or later you'll be thinking about having your own. I will never be a mum-"

"I'm not asking you to be." I like Agnes, she's a good kid, and I enjoy her company but I'm not cut out to be a father. I've been dying for a beer and a smoke all fucking day. I walk around naked most of the time. I like sex. Everything I do, a kid would ruin. "I don't want to be a father."

"It's still too much. I need to think."

"You've been drinking-"

"That's never stopped me before!" She shoves past me and runs out of the room.

"Baby, wait!" I run after her, but she's through the front door and slamming it in my face. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"William, I'm sorry," Agnes' small voice snaps me out of my...my what? Julia just left me but I don't actually feel anything. She left me because she thought I would one day want kids, she'll come back soon.

I turn to her. "You did nothing wrong." Poor kid, based on what she must've heard, I'm sure she thinks it's her fault, but it's not. Julia is just a little insane.

I make a bed on the couch out of my sheets while Agnes struggles to stay awake. When I'm done, I turn to her and tell her, "I'll be right back." I quickly took a piss, when I step out of the bathroom, Agnes is sleeping on the couch, curled up in a tiny ball. I smile, strolling over to her, and carefully cover her with the blanket.

"Goodnight, kid," I whisper.

"Goodnight, William," she whispers back. Something washes over me, like the realization that I'm...missing something.

Nope, this can't happen. Julia can't be right, not about Agnes, not about any freaking kid. I do not want to be a father. Kids are great, but only when they're someone else's and I can return them in a few hours. This feeling is not real. Agnes and I just have a lot in common and I feel sorry for her.

Some folks are just not cut out to be parents, it's not my fault I just happen to be one of them.

"Fuck," I groan, collapsing onto my bed. I text Julia and ask for Agnes' mother's information. I still don't know her freaking name!

Maybe this was all a mistake.

Agnes
The next morning...

"Nothing!" William's power growl wakes me. "It's the next morning and nothing, her mother hasn't connected me or my girlfriend." He's talking about me again. I wish I wasn't such a burden to him, he's a great guy and doesn't deserve this. "Okay," William continues. "Thank you."

I hear him move around in his bedroom. I sit up and look back when he stands in the doorway and leans onto the frame. "You're awake," he forces a smile. "Um...how much of that did you hear?"

I shrug. How long has he been talking?

"Whatever you heard..." he frowns. "Kid, I'm sorry."

I shrug again.

"By any chance, do you know your address?"

"After daddy left, we moved into the car."

"Okay," he sighs, running his hands down his face. "I gotta go to work, but I can't think of anyone to leave you with, well, anyone you might like. Are you alright with going to work with me?"

I nod.

"Alright, come on."

I shove the blankets off me and stand up, pushing my messy hair out of my face. "Agh," I groan. My hair's knotted. "Do you have a brush?"

"Julia does. Let me clean it." We walk to the bathroom, and I make a sad attempt to jump on the counter. He chuckles, lifting me up and onto the counter. "About my job...I'm a lumberjack," he tells me as he pulls hair out of a brush, "I'll be outside most of the day but you'll be inside, either in an office or at the front desk."

"I won't be with you?"

"No, what I do is too dangerous for a kid. Here," he hands me the brush. I run the brush through my hair and it immediately gets stuck. I wince at my hair being pulled. "Can I try?" I nod and give him back the brush. "I used to untangle my sister's hair. If I didn't do it, it would look like she had a nest on the top of her head."

"Where is she?"

It doesn't hurt when he strokes the brush through my hair. "She's in prison-and don't apologize, it's alright."

I look him in his eyes and think, I'm sorry. Then I fix my bangs, I do it when I'm nervous.