Fighting For What's Missing

28.

Agnes

"Do you think Will meant what he said?" I ask Robbie as I twirl a strand of grass around my finger.

"I do," he answers, leaning back on his palms.

"Then why did you make me leave?"

"I didn't mean to be so abrupt about it. I just thought because Will was mad, they would want privacy."

I gather the left side of my hair into a ponytail then do the same with the other side. "William says that he'll always be there for me, but he never said as what. You know, as my friend or as Tisha's son...he never mentions that." I take a deep breath. "I miss my daddy, but I want William to my daddy too. He cares about me and actually wants me. My...my birth father gave me up the moment he had the chance."

"I think you should-" the front door swings open, interrupting Robbie. We snap our heads back to see William jogging down the steps.

William stops between Robbie and me, then crouches down. "Wanna go for a drive?" He asks me, and I nod. He turns to Robbie. "Rob, I'm sorry but can you stay-"

"Sure."

"Thank you." William and I stand up, then William leans down and takes my hand. We say our see you laters to Robbie as we walk away.

"Tisha didn't want me to tell you," I say.

"I figured."

"Where are we going?"

"I have no clue."

"Can we go to Portland?"

He shakes his head. "It's too far."

"I know it's cold but can we go down to the water?"

"Sure."

William helps me into the car and my car seat. I watch Robbie head inside as we drive away.

"I'm sorry how I reacted back there," Will says softly. "If I scared you or-"

"You didn't."

"I should still apologize. I don't want you to see me like that." From the back seat, I can see his grip on the wheel tighten. "I was only worried about you."

"I know, that's why you didn't scare me."

********

Bainbridge Island, Washington is a lovely place. The towns, the forest, the water, it's all beautiful. I'm going to miss it when I move to Portland with William. We drove around before William grew annoyed and pulled over. He googled a few areas and we agreed on Illahee State Park. Now William's sitting at the picnic table while I run around.

"Agnes!" William calls, "too close to the water!" I run over to the table and sit across from him. The corner of his lips lifts into a shy grin as he turns red. "I didn't mean to stop playing."

I shrug then lean forward, placing my hands on each other as I rest them on the table. "Do you want kids?" In a blink of an eye, William's smile vanishes, making me regret asking my question. He hunches over and runs his hand down his now pale face. "Forget that I ask." I swing my legs over the bench, ready to take off when William reaches across the table and grabs my arm. I look at him. He's trying to smile again.

"Come here." I nod, and he releases me. I get up, walk around the table and sit down next to him. He pulls me to his side and kisses the top of my head. "Before I answer you, I need you to know that I truly love you."

"I love you too," I whisper, and he takes a deep breath.

He stares into my eyes as he speaks. "No...I didn't want kids. I never saw myself as a father. I never saw kids, whether they were mine or not, in my future. But then I meet you-" he brushes the hair out of my face "-and I just knew I had to be there for you."

"But you left me."

He winces. "Because I thought I wasn't...I wasn't man enough to stop my childish ways and be there for you. And I'm sorry it took you getting hurt for me to realize that."

"It's okay. You're here now."

********

"Oh!" I exclaim loudly as I drum my hands on William's leg. I somehow convinced him to come down to the water. Now we're sitting on rocks and freezing our butts off. "You should bring Gloria here for a date."

William groans. "I don't even want to know how you know what a date is."

"You like her, don't you?"

"I do," he sighs. "But there are more important things than going on a date with Gloria."

"Like what?"

"Like you. Isn't it bad enough I can only see you on the weekends, if I go on a date with Gloria then...then I see you less."

I pout at him, then pick up a pebble and throw it into the water. I gasp at the dark turn my mind takes. "Do you think I hit a fish?"

He fights a smile. "No, I doubt it." There's a moment of pause, then his amused expression suddenly turns sincere. "You know I've never seen someone worry about that kind of thing. I never have, and I love animals."

I take a deep breath. "I want to bring Night Fury here."

"Sure...but you have to promise me something."

I cross my legs criss-cross applesauce. "Anything."

"You only come here with me, okay?" I nod. He looks at me hard for a moment then leans forward and kisses my forehead. "We're about to go." I'm surprised we didn't leave sooner since the sun has already set and the moon is rising.

William

It was a long drive back than I thought it would be. Agnes stayed up most of the ride, singing and dancing in her car seat. It was adorable. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. But then Agnes passed out, and I already miss her laughs. Then I begin to wonder how many times would I have to imagine her laughing. Tisha admitted that Agnes is too young for signs of depression and will most likely have it growing up.

By the time I'm pulling up to Tisha's, I'm fighting tears and I feel like my throat's closing.

I park behind Gloria's cruiser and jump out of my truck. Moving very snail-like, I unbuckle Agnes' seatbelt, pick her up and carry her to the house.

The front door opens and Gloria steps out. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lie. I'm sure my eyes are red and I look like shit, but hell, at least I can lie. "I just need to get Agnes in her bed." I fly over the steps.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine. I just need...she's fine." I hurry inside as gentle as possible. Gloria keeps a distance as I place my sleeping Agnes on the bed. "Stay with here."

"Are you going somewhere?" I ignore her as I place a kiss on Agnes' head and leave the room. I search the whole house, looking for Robbie, and finally find him around back, fixing an old dirt bike Tisha has.

"What's up?" He asks.

"I need you to go to the store for me and buy me a..." beer. All I want is to drink my worries away. I have no home, I'm about to get fired and there's nothing Charlie can do about it because his boss is getting annoyed with me, and then there's Agnes' depression. I know the world's fucked up, but it just feels unbearable, like I don't have a chance if that little girl is sad.

I shake my head violently. "Never mind...a-actually, I want to thank you and apologize for today. I shouldn't have just left like that."

"No worries," he smiles. "Tisha and I really get along, and plus, it makes sense for you and Agnes to hang out for a few hours. Hey, how's she's doing anyway?"

"She's...she seems fine." It's me that doesn't seem fine.

"Whatever it is, she has you."

"Yeah...that's for sure."