Fighting For What's Missing

12.

William

Tisha had taken out some toys while Agnes and I were in the bathroom. She wiped her cheeks and eyes, but I can see she's still fighting tears, and it's pissing me the hell off. What the hell made her think she had the right to cry right now?

I have so many questions and I'm about to burst.

I peer down at Agnes, her eyes are glued to the toys. "Play," I whisper, but she remains where she stands and tugs at my arm. I walk over to the couch, and she follows me, then I sit down and she leans into the couch in front of the toys. Woody from Toys Story is the first toy she grabs.

"She's beautiful," Tisha whispers, taking a seat across from me. "You're good with her."

Something in me snaps.

"How," I growl, then take a moment to try to relax. Agnes is here. "How does someone like you get to foster kids?" I truly want to meet the fucking idiot that let her get her fostering license.

"Will-"

The second I open my mouth, hell of the past breaks loose. "How could you let him hit us? Me, I understand, but Lena? She learned how to take a hit before she could run. You let so much shit happened, and now I feel like a freaking idiot because I can't comprehend how you care for someone else's kid when you couldn't even care for your own! I took care of Lena, me! When you sat there and shamed her. And all she was doing was trying to do was deal with the pain."

She's full-on crying now and Agnes is holding the toys, not playing with them. I didn't mean to curse, but it just slipped. I'm freaking pissed!

"And the only reason why I'm here is for her," I point to Agnes, making it clear. I cringed at the thought of contacting my mother. Now I'm here. What kind of sick joke is this?

"I-" Tisha shudders.

There's so much shit I want to remind her of, all our pain, suffering, and sorrow. But it's pointless to open odd wounds when I'm only here for Agnes.

I take a deep breath, but my rage continues to burn me. "I'll be right back," I mumble to Agnes, jumping to my feet. I'm out the door in a heartbeat. Pulling out my lighter and cigarettes, I sit down at the top step. I lit my cigarette and nearly moaned, it's been so long since I had a cigarette between my lips.

I needed this smoke.

The sun is starting to set. There's a tiny hint of pink in the sky, in the clouds, and this place looks like something out of a movie. I hate it here. How the hell could my mother afford a place like this? How long has she been living here? I bet she got this place when I left.

My fingers begin to hurt due to clenching them hard into a tight fist.

The door behind me opens when I take another drag. Rage pulses through me. I can't believe Tisha would follow me outside.

Then I hear little feet carefully walking across the porch. Agnes.

I swiftly put out my cigarette on the bottom of my boot and puck it to the ground before she sat next to me. I make a sad attempt to fan away the cigarette smoke from us.

With her wounded hand, she reaches out and wraps her tiny fingers around my wrist, then gently rubs my hand with the pad of her thumb.

It was then and there that I knew I wanted to take care of this little girl for the rest of my life. One touch from her and it's like all my hate and anger and bitterness has vanished, like they all evaporated into the air somewhere far, far away from us. I was scared shitless before, but I can be a better man for this incredible little girl that doesn't deserve this fucked up world. I'll get my shit together to make sure she will never worry about me again, to make sure she's safe and happy and has a long life.

"Agnes?"

"Mm?" She turns and looks up at me.

"I'm gonna fight for you," I tell her, meaning every word. She smiles, and I continue, "it may take long; a few months, maybe a year. I need you to be patient with me, okay?"

"Okay," she's vibrating with excitement.

"Okay," I brush her hair out of her face then lean down and kiss her forehead.

"Can we stay with Gloria?" She asks when I pull away. "I don't like this place."

"You love this place," I call her out. "And as long as you love it here, then I'm fine, or...I will be. I'm gonna try," I'm not gonna lie to her.

"William," she pouts.

"And I'm sorry I snapped like that," I rush out before she could speak again. "It wasn't right for you to see me like that."

She presses her lips together, pondering. "Is Lena your sister?"

"She is."

"Can I meet her one day?" She asks slowly, hesitantly as if she was scared to ask.

"Hopefully one day." I truly do. "Come on," I stand up, keeping her hand in mine, "let's go inside and see your room."

"Are you sure?"

"Agnes, you don't have to worry about me-"

"I do!" She barks.

"You don't." I pick her up, and she snuggles into me as I approach the door. Stepping through the front door, I'm assuming Tisha is in the kitchen because I hear the satisfying sound of forks hitting each other. I close the door behind us, then with Agnes still in my arms, I walk to the kitchen. Tisha is setting the table.

"A late diner is better than no diner," she tries to smile, but nearly broke down into another sob again. "Sorry."

"You cook?" I ask utterly shocked.

She nods eagerly. "Spaghetti, I made my own bread too."

"Are you hungry?" I ask Agnes. She shakes her head, tangling her limbs tougher around me and snuggling her head into the crook of my neck. "You know what? We've had a long day. Imma put Agnes down for a nap."

Tisha drags her feet as she leads us upstairs and down the hall. Agnes' room is at the end of the hall, near the bathroom. It's a huge, almost bleak room. The sheets and pillows are two different shades of gray, there's no perfume or cologne or lotion or anything like that on the dressers, the empty walls are a desert tan color, and the few books on the shelf are old and collecting dusk. It's depressing. I move over to the bed while Tisha remains by the door.

"Tomorrow we can go shopping and buy...Agnes a few new things," Tisha says.

"She has nothing. Do you have anything she can wear for tonight?"

"I might have something." She takes another care look at Agnes and me and her eyes begin to pool again. She blinks away her unwanted tears.

Agnes shifts in my arms then pulls away. Before I can turn to look at her, she places the side of her cupped hand on my cheek then whispers in my ear, "can we eat in my room?"

I pull her hand away and look her in her eyes. "Don't lie about being hungry, okay?"

She nods, pouting.

"Stay here. Imma get you your food."

She nods again, and I put her down on the bed. "Where are you staying?" She asks before I could turn away.

"Um..." I look at Tisha.

"In the next room."

I brush Agnes' bangs to the side, accidentally exposing her bruise. I automatically wince, and her smile disappears. "I'll be right back with your food," I breathe then lean down and kiss the top of her head.