Fighting For What's Missing

62.

I pull up and find Agnes sitting in the green. I sigh as I turn off the car and pull the keys from the ignition. She's sitting with her legs crossed, her elbow planted on her knee and her chin resting in her palm. With her free hand, she twirls a strand of grass around her finger. She doesn't notice me until I'm only a few feet away from her, causing her to jump. "Daddy," she sighs in relief. Her eyes are red and there's bags under them. It hurts just looking at her.

"How you feeling, kid?" I ask, crouching down.

"Dunno," she shrugs. "I...am sorry, daddy. Not about just getting high but about lying too. I knew you would never agree to a group of me and my friends hanging out alone without any parental supervision."

Agnes-aside from Rob-is the nicest person I know. She can get along with anyone, able to make a one topic conversation last hours. But if she had to chose, she would rather spend the night home with Caesar and me, watching movies or staying up most of the night playing chess. Lately she's been staying in her room a lot, less time with me, but she's home. She wants to be home. "If you knew you weren't supposed to do it, then why do it?"

"Because I wanted a night of fun. We didn't just smoke. We danced, sang karaoke, played flashlight tag, played games-life size chess, daddy! Chess! It's our game and it was even more fun playing it as the pieces." Despite the foggiest of her eyes, the memories of night's events bring light to them. "I had fun...but the weed ruined everything."

I want to be mad at her, but how can I possibly be angry at a teenager being a teenager. She did have fun, and that's what I've always wanted for her; fun, with kids her own age.

"Agnes." I stand up and hold out my hand. "Let's go."

She peers up at me. "Am I in trouble?"

"Yeah...you are."

She nods, takes my hand, and pulls herself up. I drape an arm around her and guide her to the car. I help her inside then make sure her seatbelt is secured before stepping back and shutting the door.

"Daddy?" Agnes asks before I'm fully in the car.

"Yes?" I turn on the car and drive off.

"Why don't you date?"

"What?" I stop at the red light and look at her. She's flattened against the chair, straggling to keep her focus on me. "Where did that come from?"

"Twyla's mom...tonight's the first night she slept over at her boyfriend's place...I dunno, it got me wondering why that wasn't the case for you."

"Why? Thinking about having a secret sleep over?" I tease, and she smiles, blinking slowly. The light changes, and I continue driving, taking my eyes off Agnes.

"I'm glad you can joke about it."

"Oh, I'm having fixed feelings about the whole situation. Not to mention your driving." We never did have a chance to talk about that.

"But...dad, have you ever considered dating?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why does it matter?" I glance at her. She seems more focus, more aware, and more serious.

After a few beats of silence, she doesn't answer.

"Agnes?" I steal another glance when I see she's sleeping.

********

I had to wake Agnes up-I felt bad about it-then using me for support, we walked inside. Agnes didn't bother heading upstairs, and settled on couch. I looked away for two seconds to grab her an extra pillow but when I looked back, Caesar is lying next to Agnes. Startled by her sudden presence, I flinched.

"Fucking cat," I sigh.

*Meow*

"Yeah, like you haven't cursed me out a few times." Caesar blinks, looking away. "Whatever."

I cover Agnes and Caesar with a blanket. I go upstairs, crawl into bed...and...and...I really want to say knocked out, but Agnes' question kept replaying in my head. Why would Agnes be thinking about something like that? She has never brought it up before. But I eventually do fall asleep. Then wake up to music.

Sort of half asleep, I find my way downstairs. Caesar is on the couch, peering out of the window. Woodkid is playing on the tv, the volume is a lot higher than it should be. But it's Woodkid; Agnes's go to music for feeling better and calm.

I stumble into the kitchen and find Agnes writing at the table. I stroll over and peer over her shoulder. She's rewriting the book Coraline into her notebook; a bad habit she has of trying to keep her thoughts controlled. By the looks of it, she's been up for a while and has been writing a lot.

"Okay!" I grab her pen, and she lets out a dramatic groan. "Let's go see uncle Charlie and Paul."

"I just want to write and sleep."

I brush her hair out of her face, exposing how pale she is and the bags under her eyes. "Have you taken your pills?" We don't talk about Agnes' depression that much. It's nothing serious, she's says talking to me and Gilly and Rob helps, but she can't help the feeling of being sad. So every now and then she takes pills. It's not good though because when taking medication you have to take it constantly, daily. But because the doctor had cleared her, Agnes' medication is limited.

"No..."

"Go upstairs, grab your pills then come back down and we can take one together."

"Daddy, it's not like before. I just haven't been able to sleep."

I exhale deeply, peering into her puppy dog eyes. Agnes and I have always worked on compromising... "Two days," I say firmly, "two days-I make you sleeping tea, if it doesn't help after two days then you take your pills."

"Okay," she smiles weakly. "Thank you, daddy."

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

She takes my hand and gently squeezes as I lean down and kiss the top of her head. "I'm making you a pot now. You're getting some sleep." She nods and I move to the stove.

The second I turn my back to her, I hear the scribbling of her pen writing away. I shake my head. My kid's stubborn.

I set the yes pot over the fire and decided it was time to ask. "Agnes, do happen to remember what you asked me last night?" She was high and seconds away from passing out, there's a chance she doesn't remember.

"I thought that was a dream..."

I turn and face her. "and when you woke up in the living room, what? That was a dream too?"

"Daddy..."

"Okay, sorry...but why would you ask me that?"

"Because I don't want to leave you alone." She puts down the pen, closes both books then turns her body to face mine. "I'm still questioning college, but even if I don't decide to go, I'm still traveling...I need to travel, daddy...." I drop my gaze to the floor. I know what she's going to say and it's going to hurt. "No matter what I chose, I'm leaving home..."

"And you think a girlfriend is what I need?"

"No...I was thinking about getting you a dog. I know Caesar isn't your biggest fan."

I scoff loudly and look at her again. "I told you you don't have to worry about me."

She rolls her eyes. "Aren't we passed this? I'm allowed to worry about you. I'm not going to be gone for a weekend, daddy. I'm traveling the world, daddy, and you're..."

I sigh deeply through my nose. "I'm fine. I promise you."