Dear Theodosia: blow us all away (philidosia)

15: Without you

T/W: abuse and self harm

Philip feels the sting of a slap across his cheek. He falls to his knees and his mother screams. Philip can already feel a bruise forming, though the slap didn't hurt. Now that Theodosia is gone, he's numb. Stars dance in his vision as he is struck again. His cheek stings and he laughs. His laughing only spurs his father on. This time he is hit in the stomach. Philip groans and falls forward onto the ground. He's distantly aware of his mother screaming, but everything around him is fuzzy.

As he rolls over his parents come into his line of vision. Everything is still fuzzy, but they are slightly more in focus now. His mother is shouting at his father and he flinches as if he is being hit. His mother doesn't even raise her hands, but he flinches like she is. Her words cut deep.

Eliza storms out of the room and a moment later, Alexander follows.

"You'll never see that wretched girl again!" Alexander shouts. He slams the door as he leaves and Philip closes his eyes.

He opens his eyes back up a few hours later and peers around his empty room. She really is gone. Philip begins to sob, big heaving sobs. He stumbles to his feet. He's so numb. He wants to feel something, anything. Philip stumbles over to his window. He smashes his fist through it, hoping for pain, but none comes. His tears blur the cuts on his hand into one big smear of red. Someone is yelling. It might be him. He can't tell.

Philip stumbles over to the wall and smashes his head into it. Nothing; no pain. He smashes his head into the wall again. And again. Over and over, trying to feel something. Finally he can feel some pain. Physical pain is better than the pain inside him. He's really never going to see Theo again. Philip smashes his head into the wall as hard as he can. Blood pours into his eyes, mixing with his tears. Philip slides onto the ground and screams until he can't scream anymore. Until he blacks out.

When Philip wakes up again, it's quiet. His head pounds and his hand aches. His vision dances with green and black spots. Philip looks down to see that his hand is bandaged up. It's completely covered in white cloth. Philip tries to get up but he can't move. He lifts his hand up to his mouth and begins biting the bandages. He tears with his teeth, trying to get the bandages completely off his hands. Blood is running down his arm and in his mouth at this point but Philip doesn't care, he doesn't want to heal. He meant what he said earlier, he would rather die than have to spend the rest of his life without Theodosia. Once he gets the bandages all the way off his hand, he smashes it into the nearby table. Philip does this until someone comes in and stops him. His mother gently holds him down, but Philip fights against her.

He only stops fighting when he sees Angie. She's standing in the door way with her hand over her mouth. Tears pour out of her eyes and she runs out of the room. Philip collapses onto the bed, defeated, and Eliza re-bandages his hand.

Philip closes his eyes to go to sleep. He just wants it to be over. He's done.

As he sleeps, Philip dreams of Theodosia. They're both floating. Philip swims through the air trying to reach her, but every time he gets close, she's yanked away. Theodosia laughs at him.

"Try and catch me Pip!" She laughs again.

Suddenly fear fills Theodosia's face. A red stain blooms in the center of Theodosia's white gown.

"Philip help me!" She cries out.

Philip tries to reach her, but she just keeps moving further and further away.

"Why aren't you helping me, Philip?" Theo cries, "I need you!"

Theodosia moves so far away that Philip can barely see her anymore.

"I need you too," Philip whispers.

Suddenly he jolts awake. Philip is covered in sweat and he can feel tears on his face. He sits up too quickly and nausea comes over him. Philip quickly checks that no one else is in the room with him, then throws his covers off and forces himself to climb out of bed.

He stumbles over to his desk and pulls out a piece of paper. He scribbles a quick note, then leaves it on the desk and goes over to his window. Philip throws the window open and throws himself out of it. He hits the ground with a thud and manages to pull himself up to a standing position.

Philip stumbles down the street towards the river. People try to stop him on the way but he just shrugs them off.

Once he reaches the water he begins to wade in, clothes and all. Philip is ready for everything to be over. Without his true love, his life is meaningless.

Philip wants to drown out all his problems and he figured drowning was the best way to do that. He hurts so bad, he wants his body to fill with water and just take everything away.

The water is now up to his waist. It feels cool against his burning skin. The water laps around his body. It welcomes him.

It's up to his shoulders now. He can distantly hear shouting behind him, but he doesn't turn around.

The water now reaches his chin. Philip tilts his head back and takes his last breath of air.

His head is now underwater. He can see flurries of bubbles around him. Philip wants this over with quick. He prepares to breathe in the water when suddenly he sees a face over him. A hand reaches into the water and pulls him out. It's his mother.

"Let me go!" Philip shouts, as if he is a child.

"Philip what are you doing?" His mother asks, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Ma, please let me go," Philip sobs, "I can't live without her, it hurts too much."

"Baby, I know it hurts, but you can't do this to yourself. Death is not the answer-"

"Yes it is. If I'll never see her again and she was the purpose of my life, then what is the point of living without her?"

Eliza looks pained, "Philip, Theodosia isn't the only purpose in your life, you have other purposes, other people who love you. Taking your life is selfish and it's the wrong choice." Eliza looks fierce now. "I know that, I've tried to take my own life a few times, but always I realized that that was not the answer. I had to heal and move on, even though that hurts and sounds awful, you have to do it because there are other people that need you and other people that love you. And you have your whole life ahead of you, don't take that away just because of one thing that happened in one moment of your life. It will get better. I'll help you, just please, please come home. Philip, I need you. Angie needs you. We all need you."

Philip finally gives in. He lays his head on his mother's chest and cries. "Fine I'll come home, but only for you and the kids," he tells her.

They return home, hand in hand to find a frantic Alexander.

"Alexander, it's okay, I got Philip," Eliza soothes.

Alexander pulls Philip into a hug, "thank god you're okay son," he says roughly. Alexander pulls back and looks at his wife. "I wasn't just worried about Philip though, you need to read this darling."

Alexander hands a note to Eliza and as she reads it, her hands begin to shake. When she finishes the note, she falls onto the floor, trembling, tears pouring down onto her face.

Philip grabs the note out of her hand and starts reading. He begins to shake as well.

Dear Mother and Father,

I have thought long and hard about this and I have decided that I cannot live in a world without Philip. He's my only true friend. And I am truly sorry for doing this to you, but I just don't think I could take losing Philip, so I'm going to end things on the same day as him. As long as he's not living, neither shall I. I love you all so much, give the children my love for them.

Love, Angelica Hamilton.

Philip lets out a sob and sinks to the ground. Oh no, Angie, what have you done? What have I done?