Dear Theodosia: blow us all away (philidosia)

39: You knock me out, I fall apart

"Babe, you can do it, it's only a few steps." Theodosia holds her arms out.

Shakily, Philip stands and takes one step forward before falling into Theodosia's open arms. Theo gently lowers him to the ground.

"You're making a lot of progress, you just need to-"

"Stop."

"Stop what?" Theo asks.

"Just stop with that bullshit, I'm not making progress and you know it. I probably won't ever be able to walk again."

"You never know, the doctor said if you just keep trying, it might happen."

"It won't."

"Stop being so negative."

"I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. I'm not going to walk again, I'll just live in a wheelchair for the rest of my life."

"So you're just going to give up on walking?"

"It's not going to happen so why even try? I'm just going to get my hopes up then be disappointed."

"Stop it," Theodosia says, swiping tears off her face.

"Can you put me in my wheelchair please?" Philip asks.

Theo nods and helps him into his wheelchair. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah, can you wheel me to over to to the crib?"

Theo pushes him over, then picks up Elijah and gently places him into Philip's arms. The baby squirms for a minute before settling in his dad's arms.

Since Philip's duel, Theodosia and Philip officially moved back into Eliza's house and their marriage was allowed to remain valid. Eacker may have shot Philip, but Angie realized that he had cheated and called him out on it. Eacker backed out of his engagement with Theodosia.

Suddenly Elijah begins to cry and squirm in Philip's arms.

"I think he's hungry," Philip says, holding him out to Theo.

Theo warily takes the baby and holds him awkwardly in her arms.

"Cradle his head," Philip reminds her.

Theo lets out a sigh, but follows Philip's instruction. She sits down on the edge of the bed and unbuttons the front of her shirt. Elijah tries to latch on, but can't get a good grip. The baby starts to become more and more distressed as he's unable to feed.

"It's not working," Theodosia wails.

"Just take a deep breath and calm down, you'll get it eventually."

"What if I don't?"

"You'll figure it out, I know you can do it."

Suddenly the baby latches on and Theodosia lets out a cry of pain.

"He bit me!" she screams, holding the baby away from her.

Elijah begins to cry in earnest and Theodosia starts to cry as well.

"Here, let me take him for a minute, you're bleeding," Philip says, holding his arms out to take the baby.

Elijah was one of those rare infants who were born with teeth, so now when he tries to feed, he often latches onto Theodosia with his teeth.

Philip takes Elijah and cradles him close to his chest, gently rocking and shushing him. Elijah soon begins to calm down and Theodosia takes care of the bite on her chest.

"Babe, he still needs to eat, there's not really any way around it, do you want to try again?" Philip asks gently.

Theo gives a small nod and reaches out to take Elijah. As soon as the baby is passed from his father to his mother, he starts to sob, reaching out towards his dad.

"He wants you Philip."

"Just try and feed him again, he's hungry."

Theodosia sits down again and pulls her shirt open. Elijah immediately latches on and starts to eat. For a minute it seems to be working, but then he bites Theo again. Theodosia lets out a cry of pain and pulls Elijah off her, leading him to start crying again as he's deprived of his food.

"It was working babe," Philip says.

"Yeah, well he bit me again."

"I don't know if there will be a time that he doesn't bite you. I think you just need to push through the pain and feed him because he needs to eat."

Theodosia abruptly stands up and shoves the baby into Philip's arms.

"I can't do this," she says.

She turns and runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Philip is left sitting there holding Elijah and staring at the door Theodosia just ran through. He doesn't understand how she can give up so easily when it comes to their baby. Philip gently lowers Elijah into his crib, promising to be back soon before wheeling over to the door. He opens the door and as soon as he leaves the room, he can hear Elijah sobbing. Philip rolls back into the room and Elijah immediately stops crying.

"Ma, can you come in here?" Philip shouts into the hallway.

A minute later Eliza comes walking into the room. "What's going on?"

"Sorry, I need to talk to you, but every time I try to leave the room Elijah starts crying."

"Yes, he seems to have some separation anxiety whenever you leave him."

"Yeah, but Ma, I'm worried about Theodosia, she doesn't really seem to be connecting with Elijah and he cries every time she holds him. Just a minute ago, she was trying to feed him and got really upset when it wasn't working, she said 'I can't do this' and stormed out of the room. I'm worried about her and Elijah."

"Philip, we should talk to a doctor, because lately I've noticed some of the symptoms of postpartum depression in her, which is really worrying. And Philip, please don't blame Theodosia for not connection with Elijah, being a mother is very hard and doesn't come naturally to everyone. And if she is suffering from postpartum depression, that just makes everything a million times harder for everyone. We should get her help before things get too bad. And for now, we should maybe hire a wet nurse for her."

"Okay, let's try and talk to a doctor soon."

"That sounds good. Now let me take Elijah, you need rest."

"Ma, I'm fine, I don't want him to cry."

"You haven't left his side in days, you need to go take a nap."

"Alright fine."

Eliza picks Elijah up and sits down on the bed with him, rocking him gently as Philip quietly leaves the room. It breaks his heart to hear Elijah cry out for him, but Eliza motions for Philip to leave. Philip wheels himself down the hall to an empty bedroom. As he's settling into bed, he can hear Elijah calming down.

Philip feels so exhausted, he figures he will have no problem falling asleep, but the moment he lies down he feels wide awake and plagued by worries, fears and anxieties. Philip takes a few deep calming breaths and fiddles with the wedding band on his finger to calm himself down. His body feels so tired and he aches. His eyes fall closed. One by one, he lets go of his anxieties and Philip drifts into sleep.