Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 1

E

 The mind is a crazy thing. The control center for your whole body cooped up in a blob of muscle. Insane right?

The mind can trick you too. Don't go thinking it is always a saint. 

In my case, it is quite the opposite.

I wasn't always like this. It has been a slow burn that has turned into a monstrosity of feelings and thoughts that never seem to diminish.

All I want is some silence.

In my 22 years of living I, Eleanor Walker have experienced enough to write a fucking novel. 

Trauma is a funny thing. 

You see, when you go through enough terrible things your brain goes into a permanent state of self destruct. It's like every single day is a fight with your own mind.

In New York, I have my best friend Niall who has been through hell and back with me, but he's it. Niall is my rock more or less. He has seen me at my absolute worst, but has also shared some of my core memories with me.

Niall is the kind of person who you just can't help but absolutely adore. He is quick witted and holds so much love for those who deserve to receive it. I guess I am lucky enough to be one of those people. He is also a social butterfly. Loves to be out and about in the city. Unlike him, I enjoy being home. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with being a homebody, but I guess completely cutting out the social life aspect is not as acceptable.

"Eleanor, you know we were supposed to be out of here 10 minutes ago." Niall blares through the apartment. It is a common phrase coming from his mouth. I am always fucking late.

And when he says my full name I know it's time to get my ass out the door.

If you looked up "procrastination" in a dictionary a huge picture of my face would come up.

"I'm coming, Ni. Just one more minute please."

Niall and I share a small apartment in New York City. It's nothing special, but it is home for me. Living in this old brick apartment building in a rundown part of the city is more of a home than the suburban neighborhood in Maryland that I came from ever was.

I throw on my Dr. Martens to go with the mom jeans and flowy t-shirt outfit. Minimal makeup and my blue dyed hair pulled half up. It's comfortable and that's what I am going for here.

I wish I could be the kind of girl to wear heels and a dress when going out, but that's not me and I've really tried to be that person, but I'm just not. It's uncomfortable for me. There is just no way you will ever find me in something that clings to my body. Absolutely not.

Niall somehow convinced me to come out with a few of his colleagues from his internship tonight. I am not one for crowds which makes me a hypocrite since I live in one of the busiest cities, but still. Crowds and Eleanor do not mix well. Niall really wants me to get out more though, so I gave in after a million failed attempts of him begging.

Even in the crowded underground kind of club scene, the emptiness and loneliness is still able to seep in.

"You feeling okay, El?" I look to see Niall staring at me with those big, beautiful, icy blue eyes filled with nothing but concern.

I give him a shrug and state "I'm okay." 

"I know this isn't your scene normally, but I have some great friends coming to meet us. Put yourself out there El. Lets have fun tonight"

I flash him a tight lipped smile and a short nod and we head out for the night. I want to have fun, I really do. My wish is to feel something other than this burden of.. I'm not even sure what it is. Life maybe? Does this just come with being alive? If I had the answers to that, maybe this wouldn't be so hard.