Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 39

E

2 weeks later

To say I've been a nervous wreck for the last week would be a fucking understatement.

Last month, I submitted a decent amount of my work to try and get a fellowship position. This was the first step I took on my own to try and pursue some sort of real career with my art.

It's absolutely terrifying to put something out that is so unbelievably vulnerable and there being a chance it's completely rejected. I know I'm decently good at what I do, but in no way, shape, or form would I ever consider myself to be this revolutionary artist.

There has been a constant day dream I've been having for a while of someone calling me to say how much they love my work and would adore the opportunity to work with me.

But, it's a daydream for a reason.

I want it so bad that I feel as if I would do just about anything to get it. To be able to make a living from something I love is a dream. Also, the opportunity to prove so many people wrong would be the icing on the cake.

At the end of the day though, I just want to make people proud of me.

I want Harry to be proud of me. I want Niall to be proud of me.

I want my mom to look down from the stars and just be so utterly proud of me.

Of course, I also would love to feel proud of myself, but I've always been a people pleaser, so validation from the people I love means more to me than anything else.

At first, the stress was genuinely concerning Harry. He was attentive in every way and would go above and beyond to make sure I felt mentally stable enough to function as a human being. But, as the week went on and the amount of pressure and anxiety became a lot more overwhelming a lot of stupid arguments kept coming to surface. I'm not going to lie, I did start most of them, but when he started to dish the attitude and hostility right back at me, we just continued to go back and forth with each other. He's stubborn as hell, but I say things without thinking sometimes, so we just continued to argue. He ended up going back to his place two nights ago and stayed there rather than at my place which was probably best. It was like one minute everything was fine and the next, we were in a screaming match.

Niall was the person that told us we should probably take some space from each other for a few days because obviously we needed it. For the past six months, we've basically spent every day together. He stays at my apartment at least four times a week and if he's not staying with me then I see him all day at work. We haven't really had much space from each other.

It's not that I want space from him or that I want him gone, but I know we both know that space is important. Especially with how we've been treating each other.

It's been two whole days since I last saw Harry. He texted me here and there throughout the weekend, mostly just telling me he loved me before bed and making sure I was okay, but for the most part we were giving each other complete space.

Not having Harry here means it's just Niall and I in the apartment and that hasn't happened in a while. Well, Astera is here too, but she mostly just sleeps while I lay here or is up looking for food. The first night that it was just me and Niall here, I was a bit distraught over Harry and I arguing so much that going home was the best option for him, but leave it to Niall to completely flip the situation around.

Niall is the type of person that just makes everything better. He puts his love, his kindness, and his compassion into everything he does and says. He puts all of his heart into our friendship. I try my best to do the same, but it appears to come so much easier for him. He knows I love him, but he shows it a lot better than I do.