Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 53

E

It's been two weeks since we got back from Maryland. Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to repaint as many pieces as I possibly can so that applying to new fellowships was possible. It's been hell trying to catch up on school work, but my professors were all extremely understanding of my situation. Thank God.

I still went to work everyday when I didn't have school, but Harry kept insisting that I focused on my art and not spreading myself so thin, just until I'd finished applying, but I rejected that idea as soon as he said it. And then he brought up money and how he could help out, but again, I rejected that. I want to do this on my own. It's a privilege that Harry has the ability to help me in the ways he can, but I really need to do this myself. It's almost like I need to prove to myself that I'm capable of being successful in several different ways.

Harry told me that it wasn't necessary.

I told him it was.

That was the end of the discussion.

Harry went home last night because he had an important meeting with his Dad and had to be at his own house for that. His nice desk with a clean background is more preferred than the cluster fuck that is my apartment.

He hasn't texted me back yet this morning which either means he's driving here right now or that the meeting didn't go well and he hasn't gotten out of bed yet. I'm keeping it a mystery for a little longer before checking. I have some last few details that need to be put on this painting before he either shows up or I need to go there to make sure he's okay.

I turn on my painting playlist, turning the tv as loud as it can go. The loudness drowns everything around me, out. Niall can't understand how I can focus on anything with that much noise, but it's just always been the only way I can work.

Piper says it's a traumatic response to the loudness in my home growing up. I say that it's best to not think about it like that. I don't like thinking that one of my calmest moments is actually from my trauma. That kind of ruins the calmness.

Speaking of Piper, I met with her in person for the first time in a few weeks, yesterday afternoon. We talked a lot about my Dad and a lot about my Mom. The two subjects I don't enjoy talking about in any sort of detail were prodded at for an hour. At some points, it felt relieving to talk and at others, it felt insufferable. But, I left feeling good.

I also brought up what happened with Harry. She knew some of what happened just from the phone calls while I was in Maryland, but we really sat down and talked about it. Every detail. We're going to work on it. We need to talk about it a lot more and work through where this is stemming from, but we are going to work on it.

I grab the canvas off of my desk, setting it on the small easel propped up in the center of my room.

Painting has always been my escape. It was the one way I could speak when words always failed me. It's been the one way that feels like healing. Whatever healing is really meant to feel like, I suppose this is as close as I can get to that.

My Dad's death wrecked grief over several people, but it freed me. I use the word free very loosely because I'll always have days where my mind feels like a prison. Him dying took away the awful soul that ruined a large portion of my life. I'm finding freedom in that.

The painting I'm working on is a large abstract piece, it's a lot of line work which I normally never do, but I want to broaden the spectrum of my capabilities. It's an outline of a woman, with only half of her face shown. On the right side is a mirror with the other half of her face seen. Her reflection conveys beauty, the beauty on the inside. The half of her face not in the reflection holds a solemn expression, one that is meant to portray loneliness. Blotches of light blue are layered over the line work. It's a painting that doesn't have too many meanings and is pretty straight forward, but with the minimalistic lines, that's exactly what I was going for. Minimal detail, easy meaning. The woman in the painting is living in a world of sadness, but somewhere deep inside, there is hope for peace and serenity. Her reflection shows that.