Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 18

TW: Mentions of body image and eating disorder

H

El is currently pacing from her closet to her mirror over and over again. She is dressed in just a  plain grey sports bra and a pair of black underwear and continues to grab outfit after outfit just to hold them up to her body and then throw them on the floor with a sigh. She's going out tonight with some girls from the office and I honestly was so proud of her when she ended up saying yes.

The memories from the night we met were flashing through my mind as I watched her get ready. I saw her walking in with Niall, but she struggled to come over and talk to anyone all night. She seemed content just sitting by herself at that bar, but here she is, about to go out with a few people and I just have a feeling it will be completely different than the first time I saw her.

Proud is an understatement.

She is for sure still an overall socially anxious person and there have been days where she struggles to get out of bed or  I could hear her crying in the shower, but she is for sure progressing. Mental health is not an upward journey all the time. There will be bad days and there will be good days. I try to let her know that it's okay to have days where the world is just too much, but I know she beats herself up pretty hard over it.

"Do you want help?" I offer from my lying position on the bed. I could have offered my help ten minutes ago when this started, but she seemed determined to do it on her own.

She looks at me over her shoulder and then back to her closet before sighing and slumping her shoulders. She hangs the shirt that is in her hand back into the closet and completely turns her body towards me before walking over to the bed and flopping her body on top of mine.

"Maybe I'll just tell them I don't feel good" her voice is muffled against my chest as she speaks. I bring my hand to run small circles on her back and under the sports bra she has on.

"I think you should go. You'll have fun" I try to encourage her and guide her away from the negative thoughts.

"You could come." she says, lifting her head from my chest and tilting it to the side in a curious way.

"I can't. You'll have fun, El. If you don't then you can come home." I try to reason with her.

I can sense the anxiousness she is feeling just by her body language. Even if she knows most of the people that will be there, she hasn't been with them in this kind of setting. There is a fear of new things in social settings for her and I assume that's why she hinted towards me coming. I bring a sense of familiarity. Almost like a safety blanket for her.

"Ugh." she rolls her eyes and smashes her forehead against my chest in an overly dramatic manner.

"Okay, okay. Let me help you find something to wear and I bet it will make you feel better." I tell her, grabbing the sides of her head so she can't keep hitting it against me.

"Okay" she mumbles before rolling off of me and laying on the bed next to where I am.

I turn to look at her as she stares up at the ceiling before getting off the bed and walking to her closet. She has a decent amount of clothes, but I don't get to see her wear most of it. 

A pair of pink baggy pants are the first thing to catch my eye. I grab them and lay them over my forearm as I start sifting through the hangers to find a shirt for her. A white shirt with some small colorful details comes into my view and I am quick to grab it to hold up next to the pants. It's perfect and should make her feel comfortable.

The struggles with her body are still there, but I keep quiet about them. I try to tell her how beautiful she truly is, but I've been catching her staring into the mirror with a blank expression on her face. Her eyes will travel down her body and she just looks empty. It's as if there is such dissatisfaction with herself that she can hardly react.