Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 41

For sure don't listen to Home by Catie Turner while reading this one. 

H

Destruction.

Pain.

A burning in my chest that I can't get rid of. A feeling that's been there since El muttered the single word 'good' as I was leaving.

Bailey could sense the pain coursing through my body as soon as I got in the car, but didn't say anything for a few minutes. I could feel her stare, but she said nothing. 

After probably ten minutes of me holding back my tears, well trying to at least, she leaned up from the back seat and touched my arm lightly whispering a quiet "are you okay?".

I wanted to yell, no, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that I was not okay. That nothing about this was okay. I wanted to scream until my lungs deflated and would no longer fulfill their purpose of providing me with crisp oxygen.

But, I told her I was fine, that I was taking her home and that she should probably call Niall later to make sure he was okay.

And then she asked if El was okay.

This time I was honest. She's not okay. She hasn't been for years. I tried convincing myself that things were getting better. That she wouldn't fall back into this hole that her and Niall had both told me about.

I thought I'd be able to hold her, tell her that everything would be alright. I'd let her know how loved she is, how cared for she is and how much she has changed my life.

She opened my eyes to this life I never expected to live. I've never loved somebody this deeply. I've never loved somebody so much that every time I was apart from them, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. There has never been someone who came into my life and showed me that love can feel this powerful.

But, that feels irrelevant now because she doesn't want me there. She couldn't stand the mere thought of me standing in her room.

I wonder if she has started to calm down yet. I hope Niall knows that she loves to have her back rubbed when she's calming down and that letting her lay in your arms is the best way to get her to stop shaking.

I hope she knows that I want to be the one holding her.

Once I had gotten to Bailey's apartment, she hesitated before getting out of the car. I looked through the rearview mirror to see she was looking right at me.

"Will you be okay by yourself? You can come upstairs for a little if you want. I have a guest room that you could sleep in for the night. I don't mean to overstep here, but I'm worried about you." she said, holding my eye contact through the mirror. I could tell she was anxious just by the way her voice shook a bit and her cheeks were tinted a light shade of pink.

"I'll be okay. Thank you, Bay. I can text you later just so you know I'm okay if that will make you feel better." I tell her.

"Please do." she nods and unbuckles her seat belt. "And, Harry, everything will end up being okay. Don't hesitate to text me if you need someone. I'll keep my ringer on, okay?" she tells me and her words make my nose burn a bit from the tears threatening to spill over again.

"Thank you." is all I can say to her.

Her words didn't take an ounce of my pain away, but they did tell me that I don't have to go through this alone.

I wish there was a way to stop feeling. My heart has never had a wall around it. It never took much for someone to get my heart. It was there for anyone who wanted to hold it; for anyone who thought I was deserving of their love.