Hearts Of Gold h.s

Chapter 4

That is how I picture the diner that El works at. Just for some reference.

E

Yesterday went a lot better than I thought. Harry stayed for about 2 hours and he talked for the majority of that time. At first he would ask me questions, but I didn't feel entirely comfortable talking to him. Especially about family.

Niall got home around 7 pm and Harry had already been gone for a little while, so it was the perfect opportunity to chew his ear off about knowingly letting a stranger come keep me company. Yes, Harry wasn't terrible company to have, but damn..it kind of took me by surprise.

As soon as he walked through the door this is kinda how the conversation went..

"So you knew he was coming here then? Didn't think to give me a heads up?"

"He was asking about you El, and I am not the only one here that did something wrong. He told me you were having a panic attack in the kitchen last night and refused to come get me."

Yeah that one caught me off guard. He has a point I guess, but I hate to burden him. Harry wasn't even supposed to be there. Nobody is meant to see that side of me.

I trust Niall, I really do. I love him more than myself, but I can't just let myself be that vulnerable in front of someone else.

I ended up staring at Niall for a second because what am I supposed to say? I don't want him to think I don't trust him. It is just something I have to deal with on my own.

I don't deserve the help.

"I just didn't want to bother you." I sheepishly said to him.

I see his eyes soften at me. Like he feels bad for saying I did something wrong. He knows I don't come to him often. He usually catches me in the middle of a breakdown.. Kinda like how Harry did.

"You don't bother me, El. You know I just want to help you."

"Yeah.. I know" I give him a short nod with my statement.

I know he would never actually make fun of me or invalidate how I am feeling, but it is a lot easier to think about reaching out for help compared to actually doing it. I have these walls built up so high around my emotions. You need walls up in order to protect your own heart.

I can't let myself get hurt over and over again. I won't survive it.

I must have been lost in my own head because hearing Niall say "Please come get me, El. You don't deserve to go through shit like this alone. It is okay to have some rough days" snaps me back into the conversation.

"Yeah, I'll try to. You know it's hard." I say. Next thing I know I feel Niall's arms wrap around my body in the biggest bear hug. His hugs are the most amazing thing in the world. I am usually not one to enjoy being touched much, but Niall gives some really good hugs.

"Love you a million" I hear him whisper against the top of my head. He means so much to me it is indescribable. I got so lucky to have him.

"Love you a million more, Ni" I say with the biggest smile on my face.

Niall truly deserves so much more than what I can give him in relation to a friendship, but he won't ever say it. I know it isn't easy to deal with other people's issues all of the time, but he always wants to be there. He has never shamed me or made me feel like I can't tell him everything. I choose that on my own.

After that conversation, I ended up watching him play some video games until around 2:00 am and I went to bed.

Sleep doesn't come easily for me most nights. I have nightmares about my past quite often or I am just too scared to fall asleep because I know what will happen. Last night was just a restless night. I thought about Harry for a little. How nice he was to me. I truly can't wrap my head around why he would show up here voluntarily, but I don't dwell on that factor because I know I won't understand it. I think about my brother and how I need to call him. And I think about my dad. The son of a bitch who doesn't ever leave my head most nights.