Knowing Me, Knowing You

Hey, Hey Helen

Ever since the breakup, Jessica hadn't been able to get the why out of her head. She knew there was a real reason behind why Trevor broke up with her, something more than just him not seeing a future with her. There was a reason why he didn't see a future with her. Something she did that prompted him to break up with her; something that he'd been thinking about for a while. She had to know.

From the moment she passed him in the halls, she wasn't able to look away. Everyone stared at Trevor's bruised eyes, busted nose, and cut forehead. No one knew what happened, no one but the three who were with him the prior night.

Both Simon and Dante didn't want Trevor to go to school the next day, but since the doctor at the free clinic claimed he was cleared to go back to school, Trevor insisted on returning. From the moment they arrived, Xander joined Trevor's side and promised Dante he'd keep an eye on him.

Trevor ignored everyone, grateful that Xander was there by his side. He wished it was Dante who was with him instead, but he was just glad that he had someone preventing him from being alone.

It was impossible to fall asleep. He tossed and turned, and even when Dante snuck in to spoon him, he still couldn't sleep. He merely rested with his head on Dante's chest, using him as the pillow that used to help him fall asleep. Now he felt like a dry-erase board that had been wiped clean; new, but blank.

Jessica's eyes trailed on him until he rounded the corner. Ryan snapped his fingers in front of her eyes, and she twisted her head towards him. "I need to talk to him."

"About his face?"

"No. About us." She glanced down the hallway. "But if he's a mess, I doubt he'd be in the mood to talk about it."

"Fuck that. The guy broke up with you and gave you a vague ass excuse on why he did. If anything, you should be prying him down and getting some answers."

"I thought you thought he had an excuse."

"If you think it was something else, then I agree with you," he stated. "If your gut is telling you something else happened, then you should confront him and ask."

It took almost the entire day to find a way to corner Trevor into talking. He was still on the swim team, but he had to skip practice. However, with him still being co-captain, he came to support his team and guide them from the sidelines.

After he took a bathroom break, he exited the restroom to spot Jessica waiting for him outside. She couldn't bring herself to make eye contact, so she stared at the space on the floor between their shoes intently as she clenched and unclenched her hands. She wiped her sweaty palms on the back of her legs before propping them onto her hips.

"I need to talk to you." She still couldn't make eye contact.

Trevor quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head. "What about?"

"I need to know the real reason why you broke up with me." She managed to look up into his eyes, but he stared at the wall behind her and sighed.

"I already told you," he said, looking at her, "I don't see a future with you."

"Yeah, but why," she demanded. "There has to be a reason why. You can't go from being in love with me to suddenly not. I had to have done something to upset you and make you less attracted to me. Why?"

All this time, he needed to hide who he was. He had to lie to everyone about himself, and he had to convince everyone that he was a straight man in love with Jessica, but the truth was out. The only reason he hid himself was because of his parents, and he was officially out to them. Without any reason to hide who he was, he knew Jessica deserved his honesty.

Holding his head high, he admitted, "It's because I'm gay."

Jessica stared at him. "I'm sorry, you're what?"

"I'm gay," he chuckled humorlessly. "I'm gay. That's why I can't see a future with you."

"How...how long have you know?" she questioned, trying to wrap her head around the surprise.

He lowered his head and closed his eyes. "Since I was in seventh grade."

"Are you fucking kidding me!" she snapped. The kids in the choir room next door raced to the hallway, peeking out like magnets drawn to drama. "I have been with you for three years, and you never thought to tell me that you have been gay since seventh grade?"

"I've been gay my whole life," he corrected. "I just didn't realize it until I was in seventh grade."

"Oh, I'm so sorry I got that wrong, because that's clearly the only thing wrong with this. You led me on for three years, making me think we were going to be together forever and that we would eventually get married, and instead, you turn out to be fucking gay! Why the hell wouldn't you have told me that in the first place?"

"Because I didn't trust you."

"Why not?"

"You're the one who outed my sister in the first place!" he snapped. She stared at him, completely taken aback. "And because she was, my parents beat the living shit out her and kicked her out like they just did to me last night."

Jessica gasped, cupping her hands over her mouth and forehead. "They did that to you?" she whispered, and he nodded. "Wait, but how the hell did I out her? I don't even know your sister, and I certainly wouldn't have outed her if she wasn't."

"You were out with Missy, shopping at the mall back in eighth grade. You saw Kennedy Schwartz and Billie Perez holding hands, and you pointed them out and said they made a cute couple. My mom's friend overheard, recognized my sister, and told my parents. When she came home, they confronted her, and she came out, and this happened to her," he recited as he pointed at his face. "She was homeless for a week before I could even find her. And when I saw her, I knew I would never make it if I came out. So I kept it a secret."

Jessica could vaguely remember the memory. She recalled that day in the mall and noticing a cute lesbian couple, but nothing about it stood out to her. It was just a casual day, and she never imagined her words would cause Kennedy's world to spiral and crash. It was just a compliment, one that ruined her life.

"I was going to tell you after you met my parents and ask you to cover for me, but then my friend told me you were the one who outed her, and I couldn't trust you. If you wound up saying it in passing one day without meaning to, I could be dead right now. I refused to risk it."

"I'm sorry you went through that," she whimpered. "And I'm sorry I was the one who outed your sister. I didn't mean to."

"I know it was an accident."

"But you still shouldn't have led me on for three years," she stated, shaking her head as she glared at him. "It doesn't matter how scared you were. You were messing with my life."

"You're right. I was far too scared to break up with you, because my parents adored you, and if they heard we broke up, they'd grow suspicious. It's a terrible excuse, and I never should have led you on as long as I had. I'm sorry about that."

She stared at her shoes, shaking her head. "I can't forgive you," she whispered.

"Good," he stated. "I'm not asking you to, and I never will. Just know that from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find someone who will love you and respect you the way you deserve to be. Goodbye, Jessica."

Without anything more to say, Trevor walked back through the men's locker room and to the pool.

Jessica remained planted in front of the men's room, glaring at the door as hot tears poured down her face. She felt used. She felt useless. She hated Trevor for what he did to her. She'd never hold being gay against him, as she knew that wasn't his choice. His choice was to mess with her life due to her crush, and he let it go too far. She hated him, but more than anything, she hated that she was still in love with him. 

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