Knowing Me, Knowing You

The Way Old Friends Do

A strange sense of déjà vu crossed Xander's mind as he exited the locker room and spotted Ryan leaning against the wall, waiting for him. He wore tight jeans and a plain white t-shirt under a colorful, leopard print tee. Xander could admit that he looked attractive, but seeing him didn't do anything to him like before. But since Ryan was standing and staring at him like he always would, he had a feeling he knew what was about to be said.

"You know what pisses me off about everything that happened between us?" Ryan said, kicking himself off the wall.

"I'm afraid to ask."

"We stopped being friends." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Despite what we were doing, you and I would still go out and be friends. We'd go out to dinner, see a movie, do something. We don't do that anymore. I get that you want to keep your distance while I 'stopped loving you' or whatever, but even if we decide to stop having sex, why can't we still be friends?"

The only reason Xander kept his distance was because he knew what sort of relationship he had with Ryan. Any time they went out, things would always end in sex. It was what Ryan wanted, and it was what he wanted. He liked having sex with Ryan, because it allowed him to feel intimacy when he was afraid to be with someone. No matter what, Ryan would always be the first partner he was ever afraid to lose. It was why he didn't want to date him; the moment he did, the paranoia would sink in, and he would have to leave him.

Spending time with Ryan before was nice, because he did have a friend he could talk to and enjoy the friends with benefits lifestyle with. The idea of spending time with him now brought shame. While he still cared about Ryan as a friend, being alone with him and doing the things they used to felt dirty. He was guilty for leading Ryan on for so long, and he didn't want to do that again. Staying away from Ryan was a way to help him move on, because he wanted Ryan to find someone who would actually treat him right.

"I think it's better if we give each other some space."

Ryan's eyes widened before glaring at him. "So hump and dump me, huh?" He scoffed. "I at least thought we could still be friends. We used to be good at that part, remember?"

"It was what made you constantly fall for me. I think it would be better to have a little time apart, you know?"

"I don't want that," Ryan stated. "I told you I moved on. I'm over you. I accept whatever feelings you have or don't have for me, and I don't care. I just miss hanging out with my friend. It's been a hard few weeks, and I miss you. Can we please just sit and talk?"

Xander could admit that he missed Ryan, too. Throughout it all, they did become very good friends. He wanted to remain friends with him, but he was still a bit suspicious. Any other time Ryan had insisted on just wanting to hang out, it always ended with him begging for sex and Xander giving in. However, he wanted to give Ryan the benefit of the doubt, so he agreed.

"Sorry for the mess," Ryan said as he unlocked his front door. "It's been hectic for mom and I, so we haven't had the chance to clean up."

Xander looked around the house and chuckled. "This isn't as bad as it has been." While there were half full glasses of water on the coffee table and scattered pillows and blankets, it wasn't as bad as he'd seen the house before.

"I thawed some chicken this morning. How does stir fry sound?"

"Perfect. Need any help?"

"Yeah. Can you boil some water for the rice?"

As they cooked, they didn't do much talking other than Ryan telling Xander what to do. There was a sort of familiarity in the air as they cooked. They'd cooked dinner after their respective practices before, but the conversations were far livelier. Each time Xander glanced at Ryan, he was afraid to speak. The dread drooping from his face was exhausting to look at, and Xander couldn't recall a single time Ryan ever looked so defeated.

Once dinner was done, Ryan portioned the food and set in on the table. He sat next to Xander at the kitchen island and began to eat.

"You said life has been hectic lately," Xander commented. If Ryan invited him over because of it, he assumed Ryan would want to talk about it. "What's been going on?"

"We had to kick Mickey off the team yesterday," he sighed. "We've been having some...instances that I can't talk about lately, and she took it too far. School's kicking my ass. I have a C average, and if my grades slip any more, I'll be temporarily disbarred from the team."

"That sucks. Can't you go to the tutoring center?"

"I have been, but I also need to go to cheerleading. We've already made it regionals, and we have a shot for nationals. I don't want to let my team down."

"You'll be letting them down even more if you're not on the team."

"I know," he sighed. "And then there's home life, too."

"Is that why it's so messy here?" Xander teased, nudging his shoulder.

Ryan smiled as he rolled his eyes. "Not exactly. Just...would you ever date a trans person?"

The question wasn't one of the stranger ones Ryan had asked him, but it definitely was up there. He wasn't sure where it had come from, but if what Ryan said was true about moving on, Xander assumed it had to do with someone new Ryan wanted to date.

But thinking about it from a personal standpoint, Xander didn't see any issue in dating someone who was transgender. He'd never met someone who was, but he felt that if they were his type, he had no issue with it.

"What classifies as your type? Looks or personality?"

"Well, when it comes to looks, I obviously don't mean genitalia or anything," Xander quickly clarified. "I mean, I do want to date someone who I find attractive, but I think people can be attractive regardless of gender, so I guess it comes more down to personality. I want to date a nice person who is sweet and kind and likes the same things I do. But I also want someone who can counteract me and likes their own things as well."

"But all in all, would you date someone who's transgender?"

"If I like them as a person, sure, why not? Why? Are you interested in someone who's transgender?"

Ryan stared at his plate and bit the inside of his cheek. "Something like that." He hid his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Is that why you like Carter so much? Because she likes what you do and counteracts you?"

"I think that goes for all my friends."

"But Carter specifically."

"I just like having her around. She's my best friend. She means the world to me."

Those were words Ryan dreamed of hearing someone say when describing him. He wanted to mean the world to someone. He wanted to be loved by someone and be accepted for who he was. He wanted to be touched. He wanted to be adored. He wanted to be loved. The only person thus far to give him that affection was Xander. He missed it.

"I bet she's lucky to have you say that about her," Ryan whispered.

"Hey, I know you mean the world to Jessica."

Even if that was true, it wasn't in the way Ryan dreamed of her thinking about him.

"I wish someone could actually say it to me, though. Mean it." He whimpered. "I don't think anyone ever will."

"Someone will," Xander promised. "You're too good for someone not to like. You're special, Missy. There is someone out there who will love you for you." He faced forward and sighed as he slumped his face into his hands. "Missy...I really am sorry for leading you on. Over and over again. It wasn't fair to you. What we had won't even come close to the real relationship you're going to have someday with someone who really cares about you."

"How do you know someone will?"

"Because I know you."

Ryan stared up at Xander with glossy eyes as he smiled back at him. Without realizing he was doing it, shame consumed Ryan the moment he realized he leaned forward and kissed Xander.