Knowing Me, Knowing You

Move On

Ryan sucked in his lips as he stared at his phone. With Instagram open, he stared at the picture of Xander and Carter at whatever party they were at. He didn't know why he was torturing himself by staring at it. He knew what he did to Xander was wrong, and he knew he didn't deserve Xander's forgiveness, but he still cared about his friend.

No matter what, Xander would always be someone Ryan cared greatly about. It was why the betrayal was all the more painful. It was a moment of weakness when he kissed him. He didn't even think of it, he just did. Talking like they did reminded him of all the conversations they'd had in the past. All the conversations that eventually led to sex or came right after. He missed that intimacy with Xander, and he let all caution to the wind as he reached out and kissed him.

But what hurt the most was seeing how happy he was with Carter. The picture of him smiling at her as though she was the sun peeking through storm clouds clenched at his heart. He could admit it; they looked cute together. They would make an adorable couple once they finally got over themselves, and it was impossible to not admit it. But it still hurt to.

The intimacy Ryan could only ever get from Xander was gone for good, now being given to someone else who deserved it more than him. As much as he wanted to have that intimacy back, Ryan never could. That was what made the picture all the more gut-wrenching, the knowing that what he craved the most was gone forever. The way Xander gazed at Carter was a way no one would ever gaze at him.

While Ryan was nowhere near ready to let go of that part of his life, he knew he had to move on.

"I mean, it might not mean anything," Jessica unconvincingly encouraged as she stared at the Instagram post on her own phone. "They do say they're just friends."

Ryan glared at her. Jessica winced.

"At least I'm trying to be supportive here."

"I fucked things up with Xander. He's moving on. I need to do the same thing."

"Oddly mature thing for you to say," she giggled before smiling back at the picture. "On the bright side, he actually does look happy."

And it was true. Xander typically looked happy all the time, but there was something different about this happiness. Pure joy shined in his eyes, and his smile was so wide his dimples were very prominent. He was ecstatic to be with Carter. He enjoyed her company, and he was overjoyed to be with her. It was the same look Jessica had on her face every time she saw Trevor.

As he thought it over, Ryan couldn't recall Trevor ever staring at her the same way. Any time he stared at her, it was with adoration, but not the kind Xander or Jessica shared with their respected partners. Thinking about that pissed him off, as if he couldn't be with Jessica, only someone who was truly worth her time deserved to be with her. He wanted the best for her, even if it wasn't with himself. And it wasn't the jealousy talking when he said that Trevor was not the best.

As though he summoned him, Ryan sighed as he spotted Trevor walk past the bedroom they were in. Jessica hesitated to run after him, knowing her best friend needed her more. But with Xander being Trevor's best friend, she had to hear his two cents on the matter. Ryan absently waved her away, and she quickly ran after him.

Ryan didn't want to be alone, so he stood up to exit the bedroom. Before he could take a step out, Regina entered the bedroom and quickly shut the door behind her. "So...I take it you saw the picture." She gracefully walked to the bed and relaxed as she sat down, patting the spot next to her. "How are you taking it."

"Badly. But not for the reason you'd think."

"Humor me," she smirked as Ryan sat down. And he told her what happened earlier in the week at his house and what Xander said before he left the party.

Regina nodded and listened, not saying a word as Ryan ranted, eventually standing up and pacing. "Look, don't get my wrong, I am happy for him. I really, really am, but it's like that stupid feeling you get when you break up with someone, and you don't want them to move on. But I want him to move on."

"You're just not ready to?" she questioned.

Ryan groaned as he propped his hands on his hips. "I want to move on, but I'm afraid I'll never be able. That Xander will be the last person I will ever be intimate with."

"I know for a fact that's not true," Regina stated. "You are the cutest girl in the entire school. You stand up to bullies, you support all your classmates. You're a nice person, Missy, and when people grow up, that's one of the key things people will be looking for in a woman."

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"I mean, your charisma is what attracted me to you in the first place."

Jerking his head to Regina, he stared at her with wide eyes as she stared back with an absent stare. Whenever she smoked pot, everything about her grew relaxed. It caused her to feel confident when saying whatever she wanted to say, and as she listened to her crush talk bad about himself, she wanted to make him feel better. This was the best way she could think of.

"You're attracted to me?" he scoffed.

She shrugged. "Have been since sophomore year."

Ryan's arms relaxed by his side, and he gaped at her. "You're serious?"

"Deadly." She stood up and took a step closer to him. "Relax, though, because I know you don't feel the same way. I've always known. But if I'm being totally honest, I planned to confess to you the day you ranted to me about your conflicting feelings for your friends. I decided it wouldn't be the best idea to tell you then."

"Why would you tell me if you knew I didn't feel the same way?"

"Closure," she shrugged. "Hearing you flat out turn me down would solidify what I already knew, and it would help me to move on quicker. Though that's just what works for me."

Ryan stared at the door. "I feel bad now."

"Don't be. Like I said, I already knew you didn't like me, and telling me who you do like gave me that closure in an awkward sense. So, you and I both have to do the mature thing and move on. You can't force someone to like you back. It is going to hurt for a while, but it is for the best."

Ryan smiled sheepishly at Regina as he took a step backwards towards the door. "I really am flattered, Regina, but I don't think it's wise for me to move on with you-"

"That's not what I was suggesting," she stated in nonchalance as she shoved her hands into her pockets. "I was saying we both do, because I still need to move on from you. You dating me wouldn't help me to move on, it'd just make us miserable at this point. You need to move on before you be with someone else." She smiled as she walked past Ryan, playfully nudging his shoulder with hers. "All I want is for you to be happy. I hope you can move on soon."

Ryan stared at Regina in shock as she exited the bedroom, closing the door behind her. He didn't know where the feeling came from, as it left as quickly as it came, but for a brief moment, he felt attracted Regina. 

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