Knowing Me, Knowing You

Should I Laugh Or Cry

As terrified as she was to come out to her parents, Carter felt was more anxious over coming out to Dante. Despite him having been her best friend since grade school, she never told him about how she was agender. It was scary to think that her best friend would turn on her despite the fact he'd vocally supported nonbinary people before. Even in despite of all that, she could never muster up the courage to come out.

Her fears had been the same since she realized who she was: she dressed in feminine clothes and was born female. Because of those two factors, there was no reason for people to think she was anything except a girl. But like Regina had repeated since Carter came out to her, nonbinary did not equate to androgyny. Despite being born a female, and despite the fact she liked to dress in more feminine clothes, Carter was still gender neutral. It had nothing to do with her outside, just her inside.

When Carter told Regina that she wanted to come out to Dante before her parents, she asked her to come for support. Carter knew she couldn't be alone with him as she did, and Regina was not the type of person to let her friends suffer. So she cancelled her plans for the day and drove over to Carter's.

As far as Dante was aware, he assumed the three would hang out and watch a movie or play some board games while Carter's parents were out for their date night. Carter wanted to make sure her parents weren't home when she came out to Dante, so that meant she had to tell him the moment he came over.

From the moment he entered the house, he instantly noticed Carter's discomfort. Regina sat beside her on the couch, holding her hand over Carter's knuckles. When Carter stared up at him with glossy eyes, he instantly rushed to her side, sitting down and hugging her. She squeezed her eyes shut and sucked in her cheeks, hoping not to cry.

"What happened?" he mouthed to Regina.

"Carter?" Regina gently spoke as she squeezed her hand. "We're here for you."

"Dante, I want to tell you something important."

"What is it?"

"I'm agender," she blurted.

"Okay," he said, processing the information. Dante hugged Carter tightly before letting go to sit on the coffee table and properly face her. "Is someone bullying you for it?"

"No. Only Regina knows."

He glanced at her. Part of him was disappointed that she knew before he did. He was closer to Carter and had been her friend longer, but he realized that must have been why she chose to tell Regina. Her views of Carter were still new, while his were already established. It was hard to come out to a friend after they had established an ideal image in their head of who they were. Knowing Carter, it was difficult to notice the signs that she may have been nonbinary, but that didn't mean she wasn't.

"You were nervous to tell me?"

"Yes."

"Okay, sweetie, well, I still love you."

"I know."

"And you're still my best friend in the world."

"I know."

"So why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked, now confused.

"Because when I realized, I was afraid to tell you. And the longer I waited, the more I was afraid you'd be mad that I didn't tell you sooner."

"I'm not mad that you didn't tell me. I'm glad that you finally are. I want to know these things about you." Sitting back on the couch beside her, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pushed her head onto his shoulder. "Can I ask when you started to realize it?"

"I never really paid attention to it when I was younger. I knew I didn't want to be a boy, but I didn't exactly want to be a girl either. I hated it whenever someone would call me a little girl, and I'd throw a fit about it."

"Oh, I remember one of those," Dante chuckled. "I always assumed it was because you wanted to be a big girl."

"I thought that's what it was, too, but I didn't want to be a big girl either. It didn't feel completely right. It's like that game toddlers play where they push the shapes through the cube. Like, one of the shapes can fit in there, but it's not the one it's supposed to go into. That's how I felt growing up. Like I was supposed to be a girl, and while the femininity fit, the gender didn't.

"So, when I was, I think, halfway through my freshman year, I did a project with Regina for our history project, and we looked into third genders around the world. And even after the project ended, I continued to look more into it. I learned about being nonbinary, and after researching a lot of them thoroughly, I realized I related to the gender neutral category the most.

"I'm not a boy, but I'm not a girl either. And even after I realized it, I would just get depressed whenever I looked at myself in the mirror. I still looked and dressed like a girl. No one would take me seriously as an agender individual if I look like this."

"Is that why you wore all those jeans and hoodies after winter break?" He gasped. "It wasn't a fashion slump. You were in a gender expression slump."

"Any time someone hears the words gender neutral, they instantly think of an androgynous person. So I thought I had to look like them all the time. But I missed wearing my feminine clothes. I like skirts and dresses and heels. I can rock a suit and the androgynous look now, but only if I add my own feminine twist to it. No matter what, I like to look feminine."

Carter turned to smile at Regina before looking at Dante again. "Regina was the one who talked to me about my slump, and I felt very comfortable telling her about it. She was very open and honest with me about any little issues she had with our project, and she was still kind to me even after we finished, so I felt like I could tell her. She's been the one to support me ever since whenever I begin to think those thoughts again. And I get them a lot.

"I don't change my pronouns, because if I was born female and still dress feminine, why would anyone use non-feminine pronouns? When I started dressing like myself again, I tried to ignore the fact I was agender, but the more I repressed it, the more it pissed me off. I just wanted to be referred to as a person. I still do. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a person. Yeah, they're a feminine person, but they're still just a person. But if all anyone sees is the surface, why force them to change their perspective?"

"Because there is a difference between gender and gender expression. Fuck gender expression, but respect gender identity. Wear whatever you want, I will stop calling you a girl and thinking of you as one." He sat Carter up and smiled as he stared deep in her eyes. "No matter what, you are an agender person. You are not a girl, no matter what you wear or look like. People should respect you for who you are. They should go out of their way to call you by whatever pronouns you go by. They should stop addressing you as a girl and call you a person. Or whatever nicknames you want to be called. What nicknames do you want to be called?"

"Buddy. Pal. Mate. Gender neutral kinds, but I don't mind being called sweetie or darling or anything. I just don't like being called girlie or sweet cheeks or something like that."

"I don't think any girl does," Regina commented and shivered in disgust.

"You were also addressing yourself with gender neutral pronouns. Do you want me to use those when I refer to you?"

"I don't know, honestly. It's easier to be called a girl, but I've sort of like the idea of being called they and them. I'm not entirely sure where I lay on that subject yet." Carter glanced at Regina. "She's currently using they and them on a trial to see if it fits better."

"Then until you ask me to stop, I'll do the same."

Carter dropped her head into her hands as she began to sob. As relieving as it was for Regina to be the first person to accept her, it was even better to have Dante accept her and support her with all his heart. Despite knowing he would, it was still relieving to hear. She was terrified of his reaction, but it was perfect. It was exactly what she needed.

Dante instantly pulled Carter into his arms to hug her, and Regina jumped in from behind. They loved her as much as she loved them. For the first time in a long time, relief flooded her chest.

Sorry for the delay in updating this chapter. It's been a hectic week.