Knowing Me, Knowing You

Hole In Your Soul

"You are the most handsome man I have ever met in my life," Jessica cooed as she hugged Ryan from behind. "I wish you could see it."

"How can I? Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is a girl with short black hair and big boobs."

"Your boobs aren't that big," Jessica encouraged. "They're certainly not as big as mine. And whenever you wear a t-shirt, you hardly noticed them."

"Because I wear sports bras to cover it," he sulked.

It was a challenge for Ryan to see himself as a boy. In his heart, he knew exactly what he was. He'd known since he was eleven. Before then, he always described himself as a tomboy with the compulsion to always be mistaken for one of the guys. Each time someone apologized to him for mistaking him as a boy, he was upset that he didn't look more masculine.

Jessica was the one who discovered the term back in sixth grade. She told him about her uncle who recently transitioned into her aunt, and Ryan wondered if it could be the same way for him. He had never been so excited when he realized it could.

All Ryan wanted to do was tell his mom about himself, tell her that he was actually her son. But his mom always wanted a daughter. She paraded him around as a young lady every chance she could. She'd take him shopping for clothes, go out for manicures and pedicures, and help him find a boyfriend. While Ryan didn't mind the boyfriend part as much, since he was bisexual, there was only one person he truly wanted to be with.

Jessica.

How long had he been in love with her? Years, ever since eighth grade. He wished she would open her eyes and break up with Trevor, allowing him to confess to her and tell her how long he'd been in love with her for. He'd treat her right. He'd make sure she'd never cry. But he knew that it was nothing but a fantasy. Jessica liked boys. Real boys. Not boys like him.

Ryan didn't think anyone would ever love a boy like him. But he knew one man who wouldn't regret being with him after finding out. One man he would do anything to be with.

"Jessica!" Ryan's mom sang as she knocked on the bedroom door. Pushing her way inside, Ryan glared at her. "Are you staying for dinner tonight?"

"Mom! Actually wait until I tell you to come in," he demanded.

"Shut up," she tsked. "I paid for this house, I can do what I want with it." She smiled at Jessica, giving her an expecting look.

"Sorry, Mrs. Topaz. I'm actually meeting with Trevor later for dinner."

Ryan rolled his eyes and stared at the mirror. Ever since Jessica stared dating Trevor one year ago, it felt like he was being replaced. All Jessica ever talked about was Trevor. She always left Ryan's house to go be with him instead. As a good friend, he worked to support their relationship and not call or text with unnecessary things whenever she was with him, but he knew that if things ever got really bad, she'd drop everything to be with him.

"You know, Missy, you should start dating someone too." His mom gasped. "Then the two of you can go on double dates."

"That'd be a lot of fun, but..." Jessica frowned as she stared at Ryan.

Ryan's mother looked at him, waiting for him to finish the thought.

"It's nothing. There was a boy. Nothing happened." At least nothing his mom needed to know about. The only person he told about what happened was Jessica. The other girls on the squad may have known they slept together and that he wanted to be in a relationship with Xander, but they didn't understand why sleeping with him was so important. Or why he was left disappointed every time after they had sex.

Ryan hated being dishonest with Xander about who he was. Not that it mattered to him as much anymore. After all, Xander cut their ties. But in a few weeks, after things had calmed down and the swim meets began to stress him out, he'd go up to Xander and claim all was good. Then the cycle would repeat itself. Even if the cycle ended in heartbreak each time, at least Ryan always knew what the outcome would be.

The heartbreak was expected every time. Ryan was sure that was how his life would be. All he'd ever known was that guys like him never got happy endings. Guys like him were never anyone's first pick. Guys like him were never taken seriously. As much as he may have known Xander would never regret being with him, Ryan also knew Xander would stop everything once he did. Ryan wasn't ready to let go. To stop being taken care of, to be loved in such a way. He wanted to hold onto the intimacy for as long as he could, because once Xander officially cut all ties, that would be the end.

"And Missy still needs to unlock her feelings, so can you give us a little more time, Mrs. Topaz?"

"I'll be downstairs when you're ready," she sang as she exited the room, and Jessica jumped off the bed to close the door.

"I'm sorry."

"You apologize every time, but there is nothing to be sorry for. What you're doing is actually protecting me. You know how she'd react if she found out her daughter was actually her son," he sighed.

"I love you, Ryan." She glared at the door. "I hate her."

"At least I don't have it as bad as others."

"You shouldn't have it bad at all. You should be allowed to be yourself, and she is preventing you from doing that."

Jessica plopped herself in Ryan's lap, prompting them both to giggle. "At least I've got you."

"You'll always have me." She frowned. "Are you still upset about what happened with Xander?"

"I'll get over it. I always get over the crush, and then we sleep again, and then it comes back, we stop, and then the cycle repeats."

"It's not a very healthy cycle," she pouted.

"But it's the one I need right now. I have some regularity. I can't have things change on me all at once, especially not right now. He's going to find someone new to date, then they'll break up, and we'll get back together."

"I hope the two of you wind up being together. You two make such a cute couple."

As cute as he may have been with Xander, Ryan would drop everything he had with Xander if it meant he could be with Jessica.