Beyond That

Chapter 79, "Unsaid Zayn"

Kara's POV

After finding comfort in Jayda and crying into Jack's shoulder I finally decided to go join Jonah in the room because Jayda told me I should talk to him and she also talked to him so...

I reluctantly walked in the room to find Jonah wiping his eyes. My heart instantly broke at the sight, I can't believe I made him cry. That's fucked up and I literally hate myself for it..

"Jonah...."

"Take a seat please," he said, avoiding eye contact. I did as he said and prepared myself to get yelled at but to my surprise he spoke really calm and softly.

"Why?" He asked, "Did I upset you that much?"

How on earth was I supposed to explain my actions? I don't even know why I did what I did. I just pray this doesn't get ugly...

"I," I sighed, "Even if you had upset me badly I wouldn't do that. I don't know what came over me but it had nothing to do with you upsetting me."

"That makes it better," he sighed.

"It just happened and as much as I wanted to stop it, I didn't. He did. So don't blame him, blame me."

"I'm not blaming anyone. I blame myself Kara. That's who I blame," he said clearly trying to fight back his tears. "I started loving you knowing you still love him and you'll always love him so I blame myself."

"Jonah it's not your fault, I'm sorry," I cried, "It's like me to take a good thing and mess it up and I'm sorry it had to be with you. I would never intentionally hurt you and I'm sorry I did. Your love means absolute everything to me and I'm not taking that for granted because I know it was hard for you to say..."

"See Kara that's the thing. You say things like that to me and I believe you mean it but then when he comes in the picture it's like everything you say doesn't matter anymore because he's in your view. So what is it really?" he asked, finally turning his head to face me. I couldn't even say anything which made a tear stream down his eye as he nodded his head.

I took a deep breath and cried into my hands. I was really trying to hold it in but I'm intoxicated and my heart hurts because I broke this man's heart and he doesn't deserve that and I feel bad and I just want to take it back. I swear I regret it, I fucking swear.

"Kara I don't want to see you cry," he sniffed. I kept my head in my hands and continued to cry, I can't make it stop now.

"I don't want to see you cry," I cried, "You are the best thing ever Jonah and I broke your heart and I'm sorry. I hate myself. You deserve better. I hate myself."

"C'mere," he said, pulling my arm away from my face. I kept my hold until he pulled both arms down revealing my drenched face. "Stop crying and just C'mere please."

"No, I don't deserve your comfort."

He pulled my body towards his and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, placing my head on his chest. Why is he doing this? I feel bad and I don't want him to be doing this just because I'm crying, he should just leave.

"You've done a number on me that's for sure but I would never watch you cry. I don't care what you've done," he sighed, rubbing my arm.

"But you were crying too. I know you still are," I said softly, "Jonah, I regret it so much and I know you'll never forgive me but I promise it's one the biggest mistakes of my life and I don't have many of those. I never knew what excruciating pain felt like until I seen your face when I walked in this room and I had a miscarriage. I'm sorry," I cried.

"Baby stop crying," he sighed, "I believe you."

"But it doesn't take back what I did. If it was somebody else it wouldn't hurt as bad would it?"