Forevermore {h.s}

11.

Empty chair, empty glass
Why'd you have to leave so fast?
Oh, light another cigarette
Honey, days are getting longer
I just get stuck trying to figure you out
Used to get up, now I'm laying down

-

I didn't cry, I had no reason...

When I remembered my father after a long time, tears poured down my cheeks instantly. It was that immediate feeling of missing someone and knowing they will never come back. My dad was a genuinely good person, he never forgot to call me when he was on a business trip which was often.

I quickly stood up and walked off the cool grass to my house and slammed the door shut. My hands were trembling, I just didn't know if it was from cold or anxiety. I paced around the living room, the wooden floor cracking with each step.

I moved to the couch and sat down, dialling Stacey's number with shaking hands, trying to breathe deeply but pointlessly.

 After 5 minutes of ringing, I was thrown into the answering machine as I grasped my head and closed my eyes. Someone started knocking on my door.

I felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in my abdomen. Tension grew in my face and limbs, my mind replaying the last attack. Breathing became more rapid, shallower.

"Amanda, open up!" Harry screamed from outside and started banging even harder. 

You're trying for nothing asshole.

I hit speed-dial for Stacey, no answer. I called again, my heart racing faster - no answer. Again - no answer. Again -no answer. Fuck. My eyes scanned other contacts and the panic in my stomach grew.

"Stacey? Please call me, something is happening and I...I don't know what to do" I said, sobbing miserably and my mobile phone fell out of my hands to the floor.

"Fuck, Amanda, open the damn door!" I heard repeatedly and glanced at the door with my gloomy watering eyes.

"Leave me alone you asshole" I shouted back and sat down on the couch again. My whole body was in a different dimension, I had no idea what was happening to me. 

It was painful to inhale, I felt a pressure on my chest that could not be removed, my whole body was shaking and cold sweat was running down my forehead. The second time I thought today was the day of my death, the door slammed open and Harry ran inside. 

In seconds I was curled tight on my couch, my only movement the trembling of my limbs and salty tears darkening my sleeves. There I stayed, silenced by my own thoughts.

"What happened to you," he asked silently, his voice sounding stranger than usual.

"Get out" I muttered in a shaky voice and puffed, looking to the ground. I had enough, I needed to take pills otherwise I'm fucked up.

"I'm asking you what happened to you, you can't pass out," he said strictly, and I tangled my messy hair so it wouldn't fall into my eyes and straightened my back.

"I don't know, I feel a terrible tightness in my chest, I can't breathe, it hurts so much," I said and almost had no voice.

"Panic attack" Harry announced and toyed nervously with the rings on his fingers.

"I don't know how....how to to stop...stop it," I shakily said almost impossible to make a sentence.

"Can I sit?" he asked politely, and I approved. Suddenly he's completely different...something's going on. When I nodded, he sat a short distance from me, staring into my eyes as he gently took my wrist and squeezed it lightly.