Temporary [H.S. || A.U.]

Chapter 36

Cause baby when I sleep, I dream of you
And when I'm awake, that's all I do
Think about every detail you have

Grayson is lying comfortably between my legs with her back pressed against my chest while we enjoy this relaxing bath. The water is warm and soothing. But feeling her so close is what really feels the best.

When I started the bath, I put some of my lavender body wash into the stream of running water coming from the spicket to create some bubbles for us. I did that not only for the bubbles, but also because the lavender scent calms my anxiety so much. That's the reason I started using lavender scented things.

No matter how comfortable I feel with Grayson right now. My brain inevitably starts to overthink.

Grayson and I really had sex just now.

That was the first time that I've had sex in about three years. And it was with the girl that I've been crushing on for over a year.

My mind was all over the place during that whole experience. Obviously, I enjoyed it very much. It felt so good to be so intimate with Grayson. And you really can't get closer, physically, to another person than you can with sex.

The way her body was reacting to mine, the moans escaping her lips, the desire in her eyes...it made me feel very confident in what I was doing. It also made me feel like she genuinely wanted to be with me in that way, not out of some obligation or other reason.

But when it came time for me to take my pants off and be fully exposed to her, all my confidence drained from me. All my insecurities instantly came rushing back in.

Grayson is a very confident person. That was even more clear when she took off her shirt without thought.

I, on the other hand, am the opposite. Maybe one day I will be fully confident in myself again. But that day sadly has not arrived yet.

In that moment, of me taking off my pants, all I started to feel was panic. All I could hear was ringing in my ears and Lindsey's voice telling me all that is wrong with me. It was like crossing that boundary of being intimate with someone again triggered me.

But Grayson plowed through my temporary state of panic. She showed she cares, that she wasn't going to push me to do anything. She comforted me and made me feel wanted.

I've had these intense feelings developing for Grayson for so long now. And with everything that has happened during this trip, especially after how she was with me during sex just now, these feelings have only gotten stronger.

I have seen a new side of Grayson during this trip. And in turn, she has seen a new side of me as well.

I can't stop thinking about how caring and accepting she is of me and how fucking much it means to me...how much she means to me.