A new reality (Sayonika)

Sayori

Natsuki went home a few hours ago after we spoke to each other about myself and Monika, she was really helpful and I appreciated it greatly as I've been confused for days now, I never ever thought in my life that I would fall for a person so quickly, it took me years to realise I had feeling for Ryan so I always figured that love had to have time to build up, I've only known Monika for almost two weeks but I feel like I've known her my entire life, I was filled to the brim with love for her that it was bubbling over and I couldn't really contain it anymore. However, I didn't know how to tell her at all, my fears and insecurities hindered my confidence and I found myself tripping over my own feet, stumbling over my own words whenever I tried to practice admitting my feelings, the encouragement from Natsuki had certainly helped but it made me feel even more scared to talk about it now and that just made me feel sad, I know she meant well but she was very pushy about it, in fact she seemed a little too excited to hear that I had a thing for Monika, it was as if she knew something I didn't. I didn't bother questioning her about it, she would probably deny anything and then get pissed at me, it was just the way Natsuki worked and I was getting used to it, she was still just as lovable, like the sister I always wanted. 

I couldn't tell if my feelings for Monika were right, I was mostly convinced that they were and that I shouldn't even be thinking twice about it but that little voice told me that I was wrong, I was being stupid for loving someone as amazing as her, she would never like me back, even though that voice was small it was louder than the rest of my mind and it's hallowing voice overtook the rest of my brain, drowning out any positive thought I had left. It was sort of beckoning to me, asking me to come forward and succumb to it, let my body finally rest in poetic sleep and my mind in a forever dream... wow that was quite good, I should write that down, maybe it could be the poem I give to Monika to put in those pamphlets for the festival. I rushed up to my room and searched through the mess until I found my notebook and pen so I could try and write a poem, I had been feeling a bit of writers block recently so to get an idea like this was really exciting, I opened it up and pressed my pen to the paper as words started to form inside my head.

Sleep

It was a late Friday night when I lay in that gentle cool field

under the dark starry skies, protecting me from disturbances like a shield.

Each little light twinkled brightly like the love in my eyes,

the joy in my heart, my fixed and mended heart, rises from my chest and flies.

Beating sparkles and pulsing glitter, both decorated my soul,

they hold my mind and caress it gently, making me feel whole.

However, I begin to feel sleepy, my eyes a little weepy as I stare up at the moon.

It was beckoning to me, begging me to come forward and succumb,

 let my body finally rest in poetic sleep and my mind in a forever dream.

The world as a whole seemed to slow and my tears began to flow,

my consciousness left this plain, finally killing off my brain.

I read over it once more, wincing as I read the final line... that took a terrible turn, it had nothing to do with what I initially wanted it to be, I didn't like it at all, I ripped it out and scrunched it up, chucking it on the floor before turning to a new page, I had a new idea. I wrote out this poem with tears in my eyes, wondering how I could've failed so bad at writing something I was so confident in, it was definitely was better and I was much happier with it. I wiped my eyes free of my sadness and closed the notebook, putting it away before it could bother me any further, rushing downstairs to get some food from the fridge; whenever I felt this way food seemed to help even though it wasn't exactly a healthy way to cope with anything but I needed it desperately, it was easy for me to get when I was in a state when I didn't want to get up and do anything at all.

I reached the fridge and opened it up, only to see that it was bare, the only things I could see was butter and maybe some packs of vegetables that had been left in there for months, the second most pathetic thing I had ever seen in my life, the first being myself; I couldn't even keep the fridge stocked, let alone keep enough in for long enough that it would last, and that meant I'd now have to go shopping... It was typically something I dreaded as I didn't like the amount of people around, I felt as though they were all doing better than me yet they all seemed so unhappy, they looked tired and so done with everything just like me and no one deserved to be like me. I bit my lip and slammed the door closed, standing in the middle of the room with my fists clenched tightly, how could I let myself get this far? I couldn't possibly go any further otherwise I'd end up hurting everyone else.

I was unable to move and it felt as though something was watching me closely, ready to strike from a far; I glance around me to see what was there but where it felt like eyes were boring into me, nothing was there. I shakily forced myself into mobility and turned on my heel, leaving the room as quickly as I could so I wouldn't have to feel the burning sensation of being watched, once my feet landed in the hallway, I realised I had been holding my breath the entire time as my chest burned from the lack air in my lungs, it was a nasty feeling. It was only when I almost collapsed was when I finally drew in a deep breath, hoping it would be enough to replenish my energy however I felt weak; I managed to get myself to stand up even though my legs were quivering and I pulled my aching body upstairs until I arrived in my room. I knew that if I went to sleep now I still wouldn't wake up on time in the morning anyways but I don't think I could stay awake, not after the emotional day I've had; it wasn't even that late but I didn't want to think for any longer, I dropped onto my bed and let the tiredness take over. Please... don't blame me for anything.