A new reality (Sayonika)

Monika

I'm sitting in class, bored out of my mind. Nothing is really happening, we're just going back over stuff we've already learnt. It was just generic maths, nothing I found too difficult, so it was easy for my mind to wander a little bit. Normally I'd be worrying about very trivial things like whether or not my friends were chatting shit about me or that everyone hated me for leaving the debate club but today I'm thinking about lots of other things, it's the only thing I can really do. I think about my upcoming tests, my grades, my well-being, Sayori, the club, the festival and...

'My first suicide attempt... " I  sighed as the memories came
flooding
back...

It      had          been      a                 cold day,          I         remember         the.   wind       blowing               harshly    on        my        face.         It was       only         a few days      before             Christmas,           it       had        snowed         a               little       after            school           ended,    I        remember     the              snowflakes       floating           in      the air. I        was           only             fifteen       and       I had        been         crying           myself        to         sleep        for         3 DAYS STRAIGHT         and        I was    SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO     tired... I w       anted     to          sleep        forever,     I want         ed          everything      to            be          over     so      I finally           plucked       up           the         COURAGE         to      end        it           all.

I
wandered
into
the
garage
with
my
mums
keys
and
unlocked
her
car.
                        

  I
climbed
inside
and
opened
the
windows,
trying
to
keep
my
hands
from
shaking.

I
lay
back
and
relaxed
a
little,
feeling
better
about
it.

I
was
finally
doing
this,
I 

    was

finally

ready
to
leave.

I            waited patiently       for        the          affects           to        start            kicking in.             It          took       a          while        but              I           eventually     felt              the MONOXIDE           start          to            take                    over                my body.

It felt like
I was
slowly
sinking
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Further Further
AND
Deeper Deeper

SUDDENLY...

  A weird feeling came over me.

             I didn't want to die anymore...

I
rushed
out
of
the
car and
back
into
the
living
room.

I
was
barely
able
to
utter
a
word
to
my
mother

before
I
collapsed.
.
.
.

"Monika?"

I looked up to see my teacher watching me with concern. I smiled up at him, trying to reassure him that I was okay. I looked around and saw that everyone was staring at me that's when I noticed that I was crying.

"Sorry, sir, I was a little distracted," I said, wiping the tears away.

"Do you need to step outside for a minute?" he asked.

"No, I'm alright," I smiled.

"Okay, if you're sure," he went back to teaching.

I heard people around me whispering, all of them speculating the reason behind my tears, I was meant to be perfect, perfect girls don't cry. They were all so wrong about me, I'm not perfect. I still can't believe how much I remember from that attempt, I had tried so many times to erase the memory completely but it stuck with me for ages. My mum didn't want to believe that it was an attempted suicide even though the doctors tried to tell her it was, how could her perfect little girl even consider such a cowards way out? Those were her words, not mine. She did agree to book a few counselling sessions and they worked for a while. The councillor was nice but over time his words meant nothing to me. I had nothing else to talk about so I stopped going to them, I wonder if he's still there... I don't dwell on these thoughts for long, I have a lot more to concentrate on. I pick up my pen and begin to write.