A new reality (Sayonika)

Yuri

It had been a long day but I was recovering well, my arm was sore but the pain was manageable and I liked it. I had a pretty large task of cleaning up all the drying blood that I got on my desk so as soon as I was strong enough I started my clean up task, wiping down every surface with a bit of bleach and disinfectant to cover everything up. It made my room stink but I'd rather have a nasty smelling room for a few hours than have my mum find various blood stains all over the place, she doesn't need to know about my little habit. It's weird to think that my own mother knows barely anything about me, she's always been quite busy even since I was a little kid, she sheltered me in our home until I went to school and that's when I realised that I didn't know how to talk to people, I almost had a panic attack on my first day when the other children started judging me a little because of my shyness, I was terrified.

My relationship with my own family has been questionable for a while now, I don't talk with many if my relatives and hide in my room whenever someone pops round for a while. I don't know how any of them feel about me or my anxiety, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a bit weird. My mother is a writer who got lucky with 2 bestsellers in the same series, since then she's been trying to get back up there and has been continuously looking over the same story for a few months now, editing it to perfection and even then it's never enough, there was always something to improve on. She's usually out at the library writing which is when I get the most... active, I'm home alone and it's a perfect opportunity for me to do what I want without getting caught.

I'm not sure where my father is now... all I know is that he's gone somewhere, I don't know where. He left when I was young and I don't really remember him that much other than his smile, broad and bright, he was always smiling. He was supportive of mum's writing even when is wasn't doing well and always encouraged her to continue with it, positive that she'll make it on the list of big names one day, I don't know what happened to make him leave so suddenly.

As much as I wanted to talk more to my mother, she's never actually made any effort to converse with me, she's so sucked into a world of her old reality that she can't look up and the see newer, harsher reality that we're both stuck in. I've wanted to talk about my own issues but I've always been met with 'we can talk later' or 'not right now Yuri', it's made me reluctant to open up. I guess I'm embarrassed as well, how can I even tell a person that self-harm is the only way I can fulfill my own sexual desires? Its pretty tough to start that conversation.

I slap myself in the face for being so ridiculous, I needed to concentrate on cleaning up all of this. I slowly continued with my work, at a loss really, contained in this hell hole with my own thoughts.