A new reality (Sayonika)

Sayori

I was so happy to have Natsuki round my house again, I didn't feel lonely with her around. Everything had slowly been caving in on me recently and I needed to take my mind off of it by hanging with her, she knows how to diffuse tension.

I lead her through several streets, holding onto her hand tight, hoping she wouldn't question my eagerness. We eventually got back to my house and I pulled out my keys so I could get in. However as my hand searched my pocket, they were nowhere to be found.

"Huh?" I muttered as I reached in further.

Where the hell were they? I always put them in this pocket, I never forget to.

"What's going on?" Natsuki asked.

"I can't find my keys," I giggled nervously.

"Maybe they're in your other pockets?" she said.

"No, I never put my keys in other pockets, I must've left them on the table," I replied.

"Sayori! You need to be more careful!"

"I know, I know! I'm always like this," I sigh, giving up on my search.

I sit down on the porch, feeling disappointed in myself once again, why do I always do this? I always have to fuck everything up. I look up at Natsuki who's now looking through one of the windows.

"I don't see them on the table..." she said.

"I don't know! They must be in there somewhere!" I exclaimed.

"Jesus, Sayori, calm down!" she replied.

"No! What can I be calm about? Nothing because all I do is fail!"

I was crying again... damn I couldn't stop that anymore. My body shook with my sobs and no matter how many times I held onto my wrists, my hands wouldn't keep still.

"Sayori? Are you okay?" Natsuki sat next to me.

"I really am pathetic huh? I can't even do something as simple as remember my fucking keys," I laughed coldly through all my tears.

"No Sayori, you're not useless at all! Everyone makes mistakes like these, you're not alone at all," she placed one hand over mine, trying her best to comfort me.

Comfort never usually works for me, I don't like to see hope in pointless situations, me in this case being the pointless situation. I give her the benefit of the doubt and return her gesture with a simple yet empty smile, she deserves that at least.

"We all love you, we would hate to lose you. The feeling of the club as a whole will change if you weren't there with us. I'm not good at consoling people but I know one thing, hugs!" she suddenly wrapped her arms around me tightly. She was right though, she was a very good hugger.

"Thanks Natsuki," I said, wincing a little when something sharp pressed into my side.

I felt around for this strange object and soon came to the conclusion that it was in my pocket. I reached in and pulled out... my god damn keys. I guess Natsuki was right about checking the other pocket...

"You'll never guess what I just found," I said nervously, holding up my keys.

Natsuki was quiet for a moment as she stared at the keys, a mix of anger and almost amusement flooding her features. I closed my eyes, ready for her tsundere onslaught but it never came.

"Let's get inside then, it's cold out here."

I heard her stand up and walk over to the door, tapping her foot on the floor as she waited for me to follow. I blinked in surprise, confused by this calm reaction. While she still held a look of annoyance on her face, Natsuki was doing a good job of holding back her sour attitude even though it seemed to be a lot of hard work. I quickly got to my feet and unlocked the door, closing it behind us as we entered.

"Wow, this place is way less messy," she said from the living room, probably inspecting every corner of the room to see if anything was out of place.

"Looks like I've been doing a better job at taking care of myself," I chuckled.

In reality, I hadn't done shit this week, I've stayed in my room for the entire duration. I haven't eaten in days, slept in days, washed in days. All I've had with me is my thoughts, my notebook and Jerry, my big cow plushie.

"Looks a little too clean..." she said, squinting a little as she glanced round once more.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Hmm? Oh, it's nothing, was just thinking out loud."

I stared at her for a moment before giving up altogether and sitting on the sofa, I patted the seat next to me, telling her that she could sit down. Natsuki walked over and sat next to me.

"I wonder how Yuri and Monika are doing," I say.

"Hopefully they're back by Monday," she replied.

We sat in silence for a while, unable to fill the gaps in our conversation, there was nothing left to say. I want to tell her about my feelings for a while, the weird confusing feelings. The idea that I'm... Ugh I just can't admit it, I don't want her to tell anyone else about it. I trust Natsuki though, she would never betray a friends trust...

You know what? I'm gonna tell her!

"Natsuki... I have something pretty big to tell you, promise not to blab it to anyone else?"

"Of course, what do you wanna tell me?"

I swallowed back my nerves and started to explain.

"It's only been a short period of time yet I feel so confused about stuff and myself. I thought I knew everything about me but obviously not, I still have so much to hide from myself. But... I think I've finally figured something out," I said, staring at my hands.

"Figured what out Sayori?"

"I think I'm um... pansexual," I muttered, beginning to hide my red face.

I looked up at her and saw shock in her eyes, she was trying her hardest to speak but nothing was coming out of her mouth. Shit, I really fucked up this time, maybe I shouldn't have said anything! I was already regretting my decision to open up and I quickly hid my face again. My thoughts were right, no one loved me, no one at all...

Are these chapter getting too repetitive? I'm sorry its just that I'm running out of ideas and so far this is all I can chuck up for you lot. Next chapter will be different though, I promise, I've had this next chapter in mind for months now.