A new reality (Sayonika)

Sayori

It's quiet tonight, I can't hear much. I'm not really doing anything, I'm just lying on my bed. I'm lying on my bed and I'm thinking about things, things like me and how pathetic I am, things like the club and my poems, things like Monika and... my feelings. God, I don't know what to feel anymore. Should I feel happy, sad, angry, hate, love? Why is it all so confusing? I sigh and throw my pillow onto my face, hating myself even more for feeling these weird things. As I quietly hate myself, I hear the faint ringing of my phone coming from the floor.

"Ah shit," I muttered to myself, throwing my pillow back off my head and reaching down for my phone.

I glanced at the screen and saw that it was Monika calling me. I smiled to myself as I answered. I was a little confused at first when I heard only silence then very heavy breathing.

"Monika, are you okay?" I asked.

"H-Hey Sayori," she said,"no I'm not fine!"

"What's wrong?"

"A little panic attack has just snuck up on me and I can't calm down. Can you help me?"

"Sure, what the hell happened?" I asked, a little taken aback by the fact that Monika of all people was having a panic attack.

"I w-was just writing and it happened. I don't e-even know what triggered it," she stuttered.

"Okay, okay, first of all, you need to breathe. In and out, think you can do that for me?"

"Yeah, okay," she went quiet for a minute, trying to steady the pace of her breathing.

"Have you done that?"

"Yeah, I have," her voice returned, I could hear that she had slowed her breathing

I sighed with relief.

"So you feeling alright now?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry about this, I really shouldn't have called you," she said, her voice sounding a little choked up.

"No, no! It's alright!" I replied," I'm glad you called."

"Really?" she asked.

"Of course, I... like hearing your voice," I said, covering my face with my hands when I what I said sunk in.

"T-Thanks,  I guess."

It went quiet and I thought about what I just said. What the hell was I even thinking? She's going out with that guy in her class, Aaron I think his name is. Well, that's what's going around the school anyways. It makes me feel a little sad, the fact that she may be with someone else. I can't really dwell on it though, everyone always let me down.

"It's the festival in two weeks, isn't it?" Monika suddenly said, startling me a little.

"Yeah, I believe it is," I replied, trying to remember what day it was.

"Should we do an event for it? Promote the club a little and hopefully get some new members," she suggested.

"That's... actually a really good idea," I said," we should do that."

"You think so?" she asked.

"Yeah, we should really begin planning something, seeing as it isn't that long until the festival happens."

"That's true, we can ask the others about it tomorrow," Monika said.

"What should we do then?" I asked, she was the club leader after all.

"Hmm... how about we do a kind of performance. Like, we each choose our own poems and read them out to everyone at the event," she said excitedly. It was almost as if the panic attack had never happened.

"Yeah, that would be fun and it will really bring out our creative sides."

"That's exactly what I was thinking!"

We both giggled, our laughter was almost in sync. It was as if we we're almost in sync and I could feel my heart beat just a little faster.

"People will definitely join afterwards," she said.

"Yeah, I think I have someone who would join the club," I replied.

"Oh really? Who?"

"Just a friend of mine. If I plead enough then I'm sure he'll join," I said.

"He?"

I cover my mouth. Shit, I shouldn't have said that either. 

"Well yeah, it's alright for a boy to be in our club, right?"

"Of course, I was just curious."

I sighed with relief, hopefully it was only curiosity and nothing else.

"Anyways, I should go, my mother is calling me," she said.

"O-Oh okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow," I said.

She hung up first and now here I was feeling pathetic again. Why did I have to mention that it was a guy? Ugh, I'm such an idiot. I groan and drop my phone on the floor again, my finger brushing against something rough. I look down to see what it was and froze. Crap, I forgot about that. I really should put it away. 

'In fact, I should just do it now.'  I thought.

I went to pick it up but I stopped myself before I could even touch it again. No, I should wait. I should wait and help Monika with the festival first. At least I can do something right before... I'll try not to think about it. It'll just get to me if I do. I kick it back under my bed again and lay back down, closing my eyes. I can finally do something about my mean imagination now, I just have to be patient.