A new reality (Sayonika)

Natsuki

I couldn't concentrate at all, things were being spoken to me yet none of it was going in at all, it took me ages to register anything that was happening and I knew people were getting concerned or at least they noticed how distant I was, if they were worried they didn't express that at all which I expected, after all I was taught not to expect anything from anyone; I was used to my feelings being ignored especially when it came to the people I was friends with, I know they never meant to be neglectful but they managed to be horrible to me, they don't know anything about me so they think my supposed thick skin would just deflect everything... I'm not vulnerable, I'm not... weak. They believed it. What am I saying? I'm not one to chat shit about anyone, in fact I hate that people can do it so naturally, the guilt eats away at me and I hate feeling guilty; people are constantly mean to me and it's something I can't handle so why should I push that pain onto someone else? I remember when I first joined the club I had my doubts about Yuri but for the first time in my life, I kept my mouth shut and pushed them all back because in reality I wanted to be friends, I had no time to be judgmental. I thought about this as I left class to go to lunch, reaching for my coin purse which I knew would be empty, I don't know why I even bothered to look but when I opened the little purse all I saw was a void that made me wince, I felt that emptiness travel through my body and all that would follow was dread; the sight made me sigh and I snapped it shut once more before putting it away and storming out the room to find my peaceful space.

"Hey Natsuki!"

I stopped in my tracks and turned round to see two of my friends, Aimi and Mai, walking down the hallway to meet me, my heart dropped when I saw them because they while I liked spending time with them, I wasn't in the mood to hear anything they had to say to me; they were constantly teasing and pushing my boundaries until I couldn't really take it, it was almost like being at home except it's obviously not as bad. As much as I wanted to just rush off and pretend I hadn't seen them, I knew they would point it out to me later and I didn't want an onslaught of toxic comments about it so I just decided to suck it up and listen to what they have to say before taking my leave to go to the best place in the world.

"You heading to the cafeteria then? I think they're selling those nice donuts today and I wanna get there before they're all out," Mai asked.

"Eugh that sounds like you, Mai... but I'm not very hungry so I think I might head to the roof today," I answered.

Their faces fell for a second but realisation dawned on them and cheeky smiles slowly grew as we walked down the corridor.

"Still not grown up yet? I bet that manga is in your bag," Aimi said.

"W-What? No of course not! I just want some time to myself that's all," I stuttered, quick to defend myself.

"Oh come on, we know you Nats, you love that little kiddie stuff," Aimi replied, "which one ya got?"

"I'm not showing you guys now push off!"

"Don't be a spoilsport, let us see!" 

Mai suddenly grabbed at my bag and started unzipping it, trying to get inside so she could grab my volume of parfait girls and rub her grubby hands all over it; I froze for a moment, remembering the previous day that I had to suffer through, she was breaching my privacy and making me feel vulnerable, I felt my defense mechanisms kick in and I pushed her away with aggression, almost baring my teeth at her as she stood there stunned.

"Don't touch me!"

Both their faces contorted into ones filled with confusion and hurt and guilt suddenly burned in me like fire, I didn't mean to be so... harsh... but I couldn't help it, they made me think of everything and it made me feel disgusting and sick inside; before they could even speak, I started to run up the stairs away from them, wiping away the tears and avoiding the confused and perhaps annoyed glares from others in the stairwell. Even when I ran out of breath, I kept running, my legs only just keeping me up as I reached the roof; what the hell have I done? They're probably gonna hate me or tease me more after this and they're gonna think it's all because of a manga! That's not even what I'm upset about right now but now I look ridiculous, they probably think I'm an absolute clown or something for getting so worked up over this. I just don't want to be touched, the feeling of someone's hand on me tingled and burned, like an open wound that was left to fester, open and vulnerable to the world surrounding it. It made me think of horrible nights spent in fear, the churning in my stomach bringing tears to my eyes, the terror of the door suddenly bursting open and the looming shadow of a monster leaning into the room, reaching for my feet to drag me into hell; I was terrified and I knew it, I just didn't want to admit it... No I want to but I can't, something inside me just blocks the words out, stopping them from spilling out unannounced to any poor unsuspecting person. It's not like people don't know but they don't know the extent of everything and because of that they ignore it, our teachers remain clueless and I'm left in the dark once more, Monika is the only person who had shown genuine concern about it, pressing me gently for the words I needed to release, and for that I'm so thankful.