A new reality (Sayonika)

Monika

I'm sitting at the piano once more, my fingers poised over the keys. I had improved on my song and have been practicing for a while now. I'm still not ready to perform it yet but when I am I know who's going to hear my music first. I hope she likes it. I have a little time left before the club, I've actually been checking the the clock. As I press down on one of the keys I feel a weird form of pressure, one I recognised all too well. A weight that pushes down on your back, slowly crushing you. The one that makes it hard to breathe, the one that makes you feel weak. A sudden idea pushed its way through the fog in my head. I had already written a poem for todays meeting but it wouldn't hurt to write another. I reach into my bag, pull out a notebook and pen and open up to a blank page, trying to put these emotions into words.

Bittersweet Melodies

It's always comforting to help others.

Offer them my assistance, make their lives better.

When everything is just chaos, I always try to stop it.

I always try to make it good.

If there's ever a problem, I'm there to fix it.

It's my duty after all, right?

Their appreciation is like bittersweet melodies, their joy is like the sickly sound of piano notes.

Sometimes, though, I need help

but there's no one there to save me.

Trauma and anxiety play me like a piano, their finger tips like weights on my head.

They mess with me for their own sick benefit, they toy with me as if I were their plaything.

When it feels like I'm drowning, I'm not pulled from the water. They push me in further.

When it feels like I'm burning, no one is there to put me out. They add more matches.

I don't really know what to do anymore.

Do I just let myself fade away?

Or do I scream for someone to save me?

Do I even have a voice anymore?

None of it matters though.

There's no bittersweet melodies for me.

I take my pen off the paper, the feeling hadn't gone away. I sigh, accepting it. I look down at my watch. The club was starting in five minutes. I stand up and leave, feeling even less motivated than before.