Clouding My Judgement

78

Naomi stirred awake. She felt empty. Emptiness. Her eyes slowly peeled open. That's when she saw nothing. As in literally nothing, only she occupied her bed and her room was bare.

She was leaving today. As she looked around her room she saw her clothes discarded on the floor. She furrowed her brows, she'd never leave her clothes like that. She felt a cold breeze against her skin. She clutched the covers close to herself. Only when the cotton of the fabric touched her, she noticed she was naked. Naked. Why in the hell would she sleep nak-.

As she thought through that sentence, the memories of last night and the early morning flooded in. Her and Theo. She and Theo had kissed. They had done more than that. They had had sex. They had sex. She felt a tingle in her body when she thought about how long they went, the amount of rounds, how he made her feel so good. How he made her moan for him. How a whole new side of her submission came out for him. How she's never wanted to go that many rounds with a boy before him. She remembered begging him to fucking cum in her. What the fuck was wrong with her. Yes she was in the moment and it felt so good but she had never let those words fall from her mouth ever before. It was a shock to her and probably him.

He, who wasn't there. His stuff was gone. His body wasn't next to hers, she even remembered falling alseep with his arm wrapped around her so she wouldn't leave. But he left. He left her alone. No note, no talk, nothing.

It made no sense. Why would he leave after everything. After declaring he liked her, how he couldn't get her out of his head. And yet he left. He left after he got what he wanted. It was all a lie. A lie to sleep with her. How could she be so stupid. He had left her. No, no, no, this isn't happening she thought as she even checked the bathroom to see if he was in there. He wasn't.

As she pulled on some joggers and a top she looked around once again, and again. It wasn't even a big room so it wasn't like he was hiding but she couldn't let the reality of him actually leaving her hit her just yet.

The fact that there was still no note. Nothing. After all of that he didn't even have the balls to talk to her. He just wanted to get into her pants. For fuck sake.

The funny thing was that last night she actually made her decision about him and what she wanted. Well she thought she wanted, just as he was carrying her over to her desk after their shower. Despite her head being filled with dirty thoughts, she knew in that moment she was his. He had cracked her. She didn't understand what she wanted from him in terms of a relationship or friendship or whatever, but she knew that she would be open to him being in her life, she didn't know as what but she wanted him. She needed him. But now, he was gone. He had used her and she was dumb enough to fall for it.

How could she be so stupid. She needed to get out of here, this room, the accommodation, the city, everything. It all reminded her of him and the stupid mistake of last night. How she gave her body to him. How he claimed she had ahold of his mind and body but in reality she didn't, he lied just to sleep with her. Was it that bad that he really snuck out and left her. God, how could she be so dumb. She was usually the one who left. She never let a boy stay. She never stayed in bed with them after anything and the one time she did, he left. He left her. She had an indescribable feeling in the pit of her stomach because of it, she hated it.

Pulling her suitcase from under her bed she shoved her clothes from last night, as well as everything else in her room in there with haste. The room alone made her feel regret. She couldn't face what she had done in that room and with who. Practically on every surface they could as well. Fuck sake. She really opened her legs for the one boy she shouldn't of.

Checking her phone for the first time in hours she found it to be half an hour till her train. Thank god, she could walk to the station and get there early. She just needed to get out of here. Shoving a piece of gum in her mouth and brushing out her hair, she pulled her suitcase and closed her bedroom door. This was it. This was goodbye to flat 156 forever.

She would of said goodbye to everyone but she was seeing them in a few months after summer so it didn't matter and she didn't want the possibility of bumping into Theo with a cocky grin of what they did last night. Of what she called him, of what she wanted him to do her. Of how needy she was. Fuck. Once again how could she be so dumb, so trusting of someone who she barely knew. She didn't even fucking know his last name for godsake and she let him fuck her on basically every surface of her room. She was so ashamed.

After practically running to the lift in her block, she sped walked to the next set of lifts to go down to reception and get out of this hellhole of an accommodation. Too much had happened here in such a short amount of time. Shit she never expected and never wanted to happen. She came to uni for a degree and friends, not all of this.

Quickly, she dropped her key card at reception and made her way to the train station. During her walk, Naomi couldn't help but admit to herself that she was hurt, she was upset. She was empty, numb even. She was broken and she hated him for it. She hated Theo again. More than she ever did before. She was now one of the girls on he had just slept with and ditched. She may have not made it to be one of the girls in his room as she remembered there was a long list of them back in first term but she still counted as one of the girls he casually just fucked with no feelings and didn't care for them after.

She could never face him again. It made of sounded dramatic but truth be told Naomi hadn't opened herself up to sleep with anyone else other than her ex. Theo was only the second guy she had ever slept with and the first wasn't exactly the best or really on her terms, so when she slept with Theo it was something under her control. Something she wanted. Well she thought she wanted in the moment but now it was pure regret. She hated herself for it.

Eventually her train pulled up to the station and she got on. As she sat on the train, her alarm started going off. It was for her pill. She took no time in getting out her water bottle and contraceptive pill and taking it. She refused to be reckless and get pregnant at nineteen. Her career and future came first. How dumb could she be? She always used condoms, it was double protection, condoms and the pill. But with Theo she didn't even think about it. She didn't even consider the whole box of condoms which were in her bathroom the entire time. She just wanted him. She wanted him with no barrier between them. To feel him. To really feel his skin against hers. She wanted to feel him inside of her.

No. She needed to stop. She hated him. She hated every part of him. He was a fuckboy at the end of things. He claimed he liked her but still hurt her, and even if she did like him back, she was a girl who couldn't communicate her feelings and look where that got her. Sad and empty on a train back home. He used her and she hated him, end of.

She hated him because hating him was easier than wanting him.