THE SPACE BETWEEN

Chapter 36

Trigger Warning(s): Sexual content and inappropriate language.

(Missi's POV)

Something was drifting over my cheek and the pleasant sensation was pulling me out of a deep slumber. As I transitioned into a conscious state a sharp contrast clashed with the content feeling that had awakened me. I felt panicked by an unsettling recollection. I'd searched dark, unfamiliar places looking for someone I needed to find before they were beyond my reach. I must have been dreaming, but it had seemed so real.

I opened my eyes and Shannon's face came into focus. His hand was resting on the side of my face and his thumb lingered on my cheek. The warmth of his body and the sight of his boyish face—complete with disheveled hair—calmed my mind. I shuddered as a sigh of relief came. 

I watched Shannon's lips curl into half a grin which made me feel safe and happy. His face drew nearer to mine and I anticipated feeling the warmth of his lips on mine. Instead, he pressed his lips against my forehead. When he leaned back his faint grin was now a somewhat wistful stare. 

Everything seemed to slow, and we settled into the stillness. We'd avoided silent conversations after we lost the baby. Prolonged eye contact was too painful. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing your own grief reflected on someone else's face. 

A dam of tears pooled in my eyes, but regret kept them from spilling over. Theo had a permanent place in my heart, but Shannon had been displaced when he died. When those dearest to us pass away the love we have for them turns to reverence and the importance of the living often falls by the wayside. Amid the pain and chaos Shannon had become a victim of circumstance. Maybe he sensed there had been times when my love faltered and that was compounding his insecurity. Sometimes it felt like no amount of love could put the pieces back together and I feared the people we'd once been were gone forever. 

The way the gold flecks intermingled with the hazel color of Shannon's eyes gave them a kaleidoscopic effect. I fell into their depthless illusion and thought about the magnitude of images these beautiful eyes had captured when he traveled the world. Those eyes were focused on me now, but I felt small in comparison.    

We didn't know everything about each other's past. Whatever we envisioned our future might look like we hadn't considered the effect of any bygones. We shared a few common demons but his experience in the game of life far exceeded mine. Possibly he had enough of them for a baseball team. I had a nagging suspicion his relapse might have brought some old demons with it. Identifying the nature of them could be a double-edged sword. Maybe I could be more helpful and understanding if I knew more. But there was the risk of finding out some dark secret that would be better off unknown—like another addiction—say a sexual one. That thought had lingered in my mind since I'd witnessed the sickening indiscretion that unfolded in our bedroom. Addiction rarely travels alone, and its companions are unsavory at best. 

Apparently Shannon realized that I'd taken a quick trip down the rabbit hole as I'd stared into his eyes. He tilted my chin up with his finger and my focus returned. I reached up to touch his face, but he rerouted my hand and pressed his lips into my palm. He slid his tongue over the clefts between my fingers. What felt ticklish at first quickly became provocative and I imagined the feeling of his tongue parting another place instead. I sighed as he slowly trailed his tongue up my middle finger. When he sucked it into his mouth I realized how badly I wanted more...much more than subtle innuendos.

This wasn't the overzealous reunion we had, nor was it one of my semiconscious cravings. Silent conversations and slow, sensual foreplay were things I considered intimacy. It seemed that Shannon never needed as much intimacy as me. He said himself that sex is more important. Maybe there was no right or wrong—maybe our definition of love just differed.