THE SPACE BETWEEN

Chapter 32

Trigger Warning(s):  Explicit Language

(Missi's POV)

I was impressed with the number of recovery programs available now. I was out of touch and knew nothing about Smart programs or personal sobriety coaches. I was old school—the AA approach was all I ever really knew. The staff seemed knowledgeable and down to earth—with the exception of the blonde bimbette in designer clothing.

I bit my lip when Shannon told the psychiatrist he'd consumed mega doses of CBD gummies to ease his withdrawal symptoms. I had a mental image of him jawing a mouthful of those sticky little buggers to bits. Surprisingly, the doctor said that wasn't totally off base and they probably had provided some relief.

The humor dissipated quickly when the doctor asked Shannon what he'd been using lately. As Shannon rattled off a mental list of drugs my breath caught in my chest. To me it sounded like a lethal mix, but the doctor didn't blink an eye. I struggled to stay calm and put on a brave face while they discussed it further.

Shannon seemed content that the doctor prescribed Clonidine for managing his withdrawal. I couldn't look at him. I was torn between smacking the hell out of him or being grateful he hadn't overdosed.

'What do you think may have triggered your relapse?' The doctor's question was where I had to stop the merry-go-round.

'I'm so sorry to interrupt, but where's the restroom?' I was on my feet in an instant.

'Down the hall on the left.' The doctor stood politely as I left.

I shivered and shook once I was safely behind the lavatory door. To say I'd experienced an emotional overload was an understatement. I was sick to my stomach and gagging. I needed some air and managed to glue myself together long enough to make it outside.

As I wandered the grounds I found a dilapidated picnic table that looked like it had been abandoned long ago. There was privacy amidst the group of pine trees. I sat down and rubbed my hands up and down my thighs to soothe my nerves. That was fairly effective, so I added a fingerhold. I wasn't sure which feeling was the most prominent or which finger was what exactly, but I knew a thumb was for being upset and I latched onto it. I rocked slightly, amazed that techniques I'd learned a lifetime ago had come to mind. Normally I was so strung out that I was too overwhelmed to think of anything.

Instead of clearing my mind the way I should have been doing I was skimming over pivotal moments in my relationship with Shannon. I'd been over the moon so much of the time, but the other side of the coin was facing up now. I'd promised to be there in sickness and in health, but no one had factored codependence into that equation. I wasn't the best person for this. Despite the years that had passed since I'd watched loved ones destroy themselves, I was still battle weary. I felt like a ticket that had been punched so many times it was swiss cheese.

'One step at a time.' I breathed and managed to ground myself.

My phone vibrated with a text from Shannon.

'Are you lost?'

'Needed a break.' I replied.

'Understandable. Meet me out front.'

'OK.'

Upon my approach Shannon put out his cigarette and held out his arms. I snuggled into his warm embrace.

'Are you okay?' He asked before his lips pressed against my forehead.

'Yup.' I smiled.

'Is that why your makeup's smudged?' He looked me in the eye.