THE SPACE BETWEEN

Chapter 38

Trigger warning(s): Language and Sexual Content

(Missi's POV)

It was dark when I finally pulled up to the Malibu cottage. The one-hour trip from LA had taken most of the day. I'd been ambushed by crying jags that made pulling off the road necessary. The second time it happened I got turned around in my head. I'd pulled into a deserted area and couldn't remember which way I'd been driving. Nothing looked familiar either way, so I drove until I saw a different road. I turned onto it and felt sure a road sign would eventually appear and I'd know at the very least whether I was heading toward Highway 1. I'd driven about 10 miles without seeing anything. The thought of trying to program the GPS seemed to make the ground open up and swallow me. I was heading into a panic attack at warp speed. As usual my brain was telling me with great certainty that I was going to die. That always happened but the intensity was stronger than usual. My heart was pounding and I couldn't see straight. I sat there motionless with my arms, legs and face tingling. I thought of calling someone for help, but the person I wanted to save me couldn't even save himself right now. Once the terror passed I started talking myself off the ledge it felt like I was dangling from.

Maybe I didn't want to reach the end of either road. I'd used one to escape the other, but maybe the problem was the uncertainty I'd have when I reached the end of the roads. Maybe it would signify the end of Shannon and I. Maybe deep down I'd already decided that I was done playing this game for good.

As I turned off the headlights on my rental it occurred to me that everything in my life was like this car—temporary, fleeting or quickly approaching its expiration date.

The quaint wooden structure I was parked beside was meant to be a place of respite but thus far my modus operandi hadn't changed. I still felt crazed, disgusted and worn out. How could I expect to have any reprieve unless I quit participating in Shannon's fabricated drama?

I was second and third guessing why I'd given Shannon the retreat info. Why didn't I just send him an open invitation to show up unannounced? I could almost imagine the next unfounded scenario he might come up with would be. If he did show up he'd either be on his best behavior—maybe even ask for forgiveness—or he'd be irrational and embarrassing. I reminded myself that I'd stepped into the pas de deux willingly by going there last night so I couldn't claim that I'd played no part in how things turned out.  

I tried jarring my suitcase from between the car seats, but my purse felt like too much of a burden and I left the suitcase and trudged up to the front door. The key slipped through my fingers as I dug it out of my purse. I stooped over to find it and when I did I had no luck finding the keyhole in the dark. Bitching a blue streak seemed to help and I finally got the door open. I turned on some lights and looked around thinking how a happy couple or a small family should be enjoying their vacation here instead of me hiding away like I'd been sent to the Island of Misfit Toys.

I went to the kitchen and put the kettle on. I slid out of my jeans and left them crumpled on the kitchen floor. I unhooked my bra and slid it down my arms until I could pull it out from under my shirt. I grabbed my smokes and flung the balcony door open. As I stepped outside the breeze laden with salt water stung my skin. I lit up a cigarette and watched as the clouds parted to reveal a full moon. My thoughts turned to Chelsea. Maybe the great wise one could offer me sage advice, but I didn't want her to know how bad things really were.

The whistling tea kettle pierced the silence. As I wound the string around the teabag I contemplated seeing Katie tomorrow. Under normal circumstances it would be a wonderful thing, but would she believe me when I told her my life was great? How much of the truth would I be willing to divulge if she saw right through my charade? I wasn't going there to be analyzed. I was going there to have a good time and it would be fucking wonderful if I had to die trying to make it that way.