THE SPACE BETWEEN

Chapter 15

Trigger Warning(s):  Emotional Upset

(Missi's POV)

After the nursery was finished, I couldn't help but admire how perfectly everything had come together. Thanks to the advice provided by my entourage—Chelsea, Brittany and Shannon's mother—our marathon shopping sprees were very productive. Some of our excursions were a bit excessive, the gauge of which was how far Shannon's jaw dropped when we would arrive home laden with bags. I managed to unknit his brow somewhat by informing him that his mother was actually the one going a bit overboard.

I loved spending time in the nursery. I let my mind wander as I swayed in the comfy rocking chair and imagined myself floating on air. The nursery walls had been painted a gorgeous shade of light blue over which faint white clouds had been stenciled for a subtle effect. Brittany suggested contracting an artist or electrician to make star lights for overhead instead of using glow in the dark appliques that I wasn't really keen on. A dimmer switch would make it possible for the stars to double as nightlights. I thought the idea was a little over the top until she envisioned the stars being those of Shannon's and my zodiac constellations. That reeled me in. If Theo arrived on schedule, he would also be born under Gemini like I was.

My feet sunk into heavenly comfort as I stood on the plush carpet folding Theo's tiny clothing over and over. I looked forward to he and I being sprawled out on the carpet playing with the adorable stuffed animals and toys that lined the nursery shelves. Most of all I wondered what our baby boy would look like...whose eyes he'd have...or whose disposition.

My mind wandered back to when my children were young. I didn't have the money to provide them with an elaborate nursery like this. I told myself that unconditional love was better than anything money could buy and believed the adage that 'love conquers all'. In the end everything I thought I knew about love let me down in countless ways. There wasn't anything—including love—that could shield them from the addictive genes they were born with and the cycle of addiction was destined to continue.

Everything had gone so terribly wrong as the years passed. Their disregard for me couldn't be blamed on genetics. They modeled that behavior from their father—a man who rarely spoke a word that didn't come from the addict's voice inside him. The belittling, lies, excuses and broken promises left scars on all of us. There are some things that can never be repaired and that's why my relationships with my sons would always be strained.

I regretted having spent far too much of my life—and theirs—focused on the elephant in the room. I'd run around in circles trying to keep everyone happy—except for myself. Other than genetics, maybe that was part of why the boys followed their father's footsteps. Conceivably they might have been seeking the undivided attention their father's behavior had stolen from them. If only I'd never boarded the codependent merry-go-round, but I too was destined to continue that cycle because of my genes.

As tears ran down my face, I reminded myself that guilt is a very powerful force. For some reason the guilt I thought I'd let go of had crept back to visit. I didn't allow it to linger any longer than it had by steering my thoughts toward the bright second chance I had. It was possible that Theo would be entirely different, and I certainly wasn't the same person I was years ago. This baby would have the benefit of having a father who wasn't emotionally unavailable and wanted to spend time with him. Shannon was already engaging with Theo. It had become a daily ritual for him to interact with the playful little person in my stomach. Even though they couldn't see each other Theo responded to his father's voice and touch when Shannon's hand was sprawled across my belly. Theo would either kick or reposition himself, making Shannon chuckle.

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(Shannon's POV)

Missi was having a restless night and as a result I was having trouble sleeping.