THE SPACE BETWEEN

Chapter 49

Trigger Warning(s):  Explicit Language and Sexual Scenarios

(Shannon's POV)

It took a few moments for my heart to start beating again after the initial shock of Missi's question. I sat straight up, dumping her body that was leaned up against mine as I did so.

'What do I think about a surrogate?' I looked at her in disbelief.

'Yes.' She replied sheepishly.

I thrashed at the bed covers to free myself like I was caught in a fishing net. Once I got to my feet I started pacing while my mind sped along for the ride at 110 miles an hour. I hadn't told Missi that I's seen Angel today and that she'd actually been able to get me to open up about losing the baby. After the session I thought I had half a grip on things, but Missi's question had just catapulted me into outer space. I counted to ten before voicing my opinion.

'This is how I see it. We can never get Theo back, Miss. Even if we would have another child, losing him will always be in the back of our minds. And there's no guarantee that the same kind of freak thing that happened with him wouldn't happen with a surrogate, or she'd change her mind part way through the pregnancy. So many things could go wrong that it makes my head spin. I can't go through that heartache again. I really don't like the idea that there would be someone other than the two of us involved in creating a life either. Honestly, I can't believe you'd even consider something so preposterous!'

'It's not so much for me. I thought you might want to explore the idea so you could have a child of your own. I don't like knowing I'm the one blocking you from that opportunity.'

As I dragged my hands along my scalp I thought about yanking out as much hair as possible. I couldn't hold back what I really wanted to add.

'I think you're trying to pass off your inability to get pregnant onto me by saying it's something I need. That's not the case. I just want us to be together and be happy again. That's what I'm working toward.'

'You'll resent me eventually.'

'Stop putting this on me. I got awake last night and when I noticed you were gone I went looking for you. Do you have any idea where I finally found you?'

Missi wouldn't even look at me.

'HUH?' I demanded.

'I heard him crying, Shannon. I had to go to him.'

'He wasn't there though...was he?' I yelled.

'No, but he's out there somewhere and he needs me.' Missi sobbed.

'Jesus Christ, Miss, he's dead!'

Missi sobbed as I stumbled around pulling on whatever garments were closest in an attempt to dress quickly. I rushed downstairs and grabbed my smokes on the way outside. I lit one up and started pacing around the patio like a rat in a maze.

'I can't do this.' I said aloud. 'I can't abstain and deal with this at the same time. God help me.' I looked up at the sky hoping for some divine intervention to present itself like a bolt of lightning.

I kept glancing inside as I agonized over the situation. I was hoping for some indication that Missi was leaving again and that soon it would be safe to go back inside. It would be so much easier not having to face her. With no visible sign that she was leaving, like a bag by the door or lights being turned on and off while she rushed around packing, I decided to bolt instead. I grabbed a jacket as I breezed through the house to the garage. I hesitated for a moment before starting the car. I felt guilty as I sped away from the house. I didn't want to admit to myself that I knew where I was going or that I knew what I was going to do couldn't be reversed.