heaven ☆ mick mars

35.

i'll never be able to look at him the same way again. one sentence, one action, has changed my entire perception of him.

looking at him now, i knew the image i once had of him, one made of infatuation, was gone.

silence stretched between the distance of myself at the door and him at his suitcase.

immediately, i felt my lip trembling slightly. i've never been good at biting back my emotions. suddenly, the urge to vomit increased.

when someone offers you paradise, lets you live in it to the point of adjustment, of settling, then snatches it away and leaves you in the dark..how do people deal with this shit?

"how does this happen?" i asked, my voice barely louder than a whisper. he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. "you're mick. i know i haven't known you for a long time but...you're mick? i don't get it, you were the last person i expected this from. i don't get it."
i shook my head and looked at the floor. "it was all going so well. i'm terrified to even ask for an explanation, because i know that nothing you say could justify what you did."

the mick i knew had always been a person of integrity. told it how it was, no bullshit. i'd never seen him so speechless.

we simply stood in silence, my face burning as he just stared at me with red eyes. the silence stung.

"okay, mick i-"

"lilly...i don't know what to say. i'm so fucking sorry. i know i'm an asshole, that sorry means nothing to you right now-"

"just tell me why." i whispered, silencing his broken voice with my own.

he shook his head. "you wouldn't understand."

"you're right, i don't. so help me to understand."

he was like a child being told off, with no real explanation for his behaviour. to say i was infuriated was an understatement.

"do you find her pretty?...have you always had feelings for her?"

"lillian.."

"were we just a fling? a joke?"

"please, stop-"

"i want to know why! i want to know what was possibly worth ruining what we had!" i shouted, tears spilling from my eyes relentlessly as i felt myself break even more.

i let out a sob and covered my face with my hands. this was too much.

i didn't resist as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. the very person that had caused me pain just so happened to be the antidote. the situation was bullshit.

"you're right, lilly. i can't justify this. and i know that no explanation will give you any peace."

i felt his hand softly stroke the back of my head as i cried into his chest. i knew i deserved better than this. i wanted to muster the strength to walk away, to cry alone. but in that moment, i couldn't even bring myself to move.

mick pulled away slightly, his hands held my face gently. i looked up into his eyes and hated that it felt like a bitter end.

"we were happy.." my voice came out as a whisper yet again.

a solemn smile met his lips as he nodded, crying with me. "i know."

"and i don't want to let you go." as i said this, my face crumpled even more. i inhaled deeply and lifted myself. i had to be brave. "but i can't stay now. i can't look past something like this."

his eyes closed at the words as he nodded slowly. "i love you, lilly."

it was a mutual move as his lips crashed against mine. it was bittersweet, a moment we knew we had to salvage, as it would be the last. my heart clenched in my chest, my hands interlaced behind his neck, as his hands met my waist.

it was grief, passion and pain.

we knew it was over.

we pulled away and he planted one last kiss on my forehead, before wheeling his suitcase out of the room without looking back.

it was the end.