heaven ☆ mick mars

15.

"truth or dare?" the drummer shouted at me, lifting a bottle to his lips.

mick was sleeping in the back of the bus, nikki had passed out from being too drunk, vince was just being vince and i was sat impatiently with about 10 minutes left until we arrived.

i sat forward, "truth".

"boring!" he said back, making me frown. he did too, until a smirk crept across his face. "or maybe not..."

i placed my head in my hands, dreading what was to come.

"do you love him?"

"i- wha- do i what now?" i stuttered, shocked by his forward question.

"do you love mick mars?"

rolling my eyes, i scoffed at the immature boy. "why would you even ask me that?"

"well, rumour has it, nikki interrupted a 'moment' between you two last night. did you two seal the deal? he's like your sugar-"

i reached opposite me and covered his mouth before glaring at him, "don't even go there, lee."

he shook his head before looking more serious. which was weird for the drummer, since he was a fricking nutjob.

"well, all i'm gonna say is...sometimes what you want is right in front of you. before you realise it, it's too late."

i tilted my head a frowned at him. when did he get so wise?

"what do you mean?"

"sometimes the things we want most come and go in the blink of an eye. i heard nikki approved of you guys a little. so why are you not in that back room snogging his face off?"

i laughed. "because! life doesn't work like that tommy. i know you're some hopeless romantic but-"

"but what, lillian? what're you waiting for? a signal? a sign from the universe? this life is too damn short. if you want something, you gotta go for it."

i imagined myself diving into the back of the bus, absolutely attacking mick and never letting go. i then imagined him wincing in pain in response. i then started snickering to myself.

"love is no joke, feranna. he's your heaven."

"he is not my- jesus tommy, this isn't a movie! there is no happily ever after, there's happy for 5 minutes before the next hurdle life throws at you comes along. if you think love is smooth sailing and that love at first sight is a thing, you're wrong."

"but lill-"

"but nothing tommy." i began, fed up of him and the others constantly talking about me and mick. because right now there was no me and mick. and it fucking hurts. we're sort of in this in between space. sometimes it's like he likes me, others it's like he's stone cold.

so what do i do? i push away my feelings and try to pretend to myself and others that they aren't there.

"me and mick aren't a thing. we're never going to be a thing, it's done, okay? i wish everyone would shut the fuck up about it because i don't love him, nor do i want to be with him. ever. okay? does that answer your truth?"

but tommy wasn't looking at me now. he was looking in the doorway.

the doorway to the back of the bus.

i couldn't even look. it couldn't be true. there's no way he-

but he did.

i looked slowly to the left to see mick stood there, looking back at me with a hurt expression. he looked at the floor before making his way over to the window, throwing out a sheet of paper with handwriting on it.

"mick-"

but it was too late. he slammed the door shut.

the wheels squeaked as we reached a stop, tommy looking shocked along with myself looking depressed and guilty.

i couldn't even face him again.

not standing around or willing to face the tension of what just happened. so i jumped up out of my seat before running of the bus and down the street, hearing tommy call after me.

i didn't look back. i couldn't.

what have i done?

my attention was captured by a sheet of paper laying on the floor.

i slowly walked over to it before picking it up. it was the sheet that mick threw out the window, i'm assuming from the fact that it was addressed to me.

lillian,

jealous,
was an understatement.
"we're born to love",
the world says.
but whom am i to love?
i float through life, envious of romancers,
in the embrace of their lovers,
their soulmates,
the ones they're destined to be with.
but me?
alone. empty. without colour.
the world is painted, black and grey.
the sky is white and the sun is not gold.
the spectrum and all its shades aren't visible to my soul.
they say, "the colours move, they dance!"
am i blind?
all i see are the shades of melancholy and pity that sit and just exist.
everything is dark. nothing moves.

until you.
you, with your wavy locks of hair,
those brown puppy eyes,
that scent.
the scent that latches onto your clothes,
dancing in the air around you.
my name rolled off your tongue,
and suddenly it didn't seem so bleak.
you with your smile,
lighting up the skies,
lighting up the universe.
you touched my soul, you grabbed my hand
and suddenly, the colours not only move in my sight,
but i can feel them.
all the shades.
i make you indigo, light and dark,
you are my golden, my glistening shimmer,
you are the moon and i am the stars.
and suddenly the world isn't so dark.
i finally understand what they meant,
the colours move, they dance.
i just had to wait.

-mick

a teardrop hit the paper, causing some of the ink to spread slightly.

suddenly my whole heart felt full, it felt complete. this was everything. i love him, i really love him. he wrote this for me, and now i've fucked everything up. he needs to know, he must know how i feel back.

i finally turned around and began slowly walking back to the new hotel we were staying in.

don't fuck this up lillian. again.