heaven ☆ mick mars

7.

tw: mentions of abuse

also, queen song coming up!!

i tossed and turned through the night. mainly because i couldn't stop think about the man just a few metres away. i felt safe with him there, but too excited to sleep.

but suddenly, i wasn't in the hotel. i was back in my bedroom at home.

shit...had i dreamt the whole thing?

i heard my mom pounding on my door, as i sleepily got up to open it.

"you little bitch..." she said, pointing her finger in my face.

i stepped backwards. "w-what?"

"you really thought you could get away from your good ol' momma? you really thought could escape this shithole?" she shouted the last sentence. i flinched, the bruises on my arms suddenly seething with pain.

but i planted my feet, and somewhat attempted to feel confident.

be nikki. just be nikki. he was brave the day he left. remember when he smashed that guitar against the wall? be brave. be strong.

"you know what mom? i would rather fucking die, than stay here with my "good ol' momma"." i shouted.

she smiled and tilted her head. "well. i guess we'll see what dear old dad thinks then, huh?"

"he's not my fucking dad."

"john?" he shouted. fuck.

suddenly the shadow of a tall figure came into my room and closed the door, the last beam of light being shut behind it, and here i was, left alone in the dark.

no nikki, no mick, no nothing.

shit. i felt my entire body tense up as fear ran through me.

"hey lill..."

shivers were sent rapidly and violently down my spine, it radiated throughout my body. the voice i heard in my nightmares, the voice i hoped i'd never hear again. yet here it was, the sound waves hit my ears and rang through my mind like an alarm.

and suddenly that feeling of pure terror and never ending pain and loneliness reentered my body, that familiar knot in my stomach, heart in my throat, darkness in my soul returned.

i couldn't move. i couldn't breathe, i closed my eyes. it wasn't real, i told myself. it couldn't be.

i wanted to die. in that moment, i wanted to die more than ever before. i couldn't do it, i couldn't face it. never again.

i couldn't exist in a world where he lived. this must've been some parallel dimension.

i tried to feel the bedsheets against my fingertips, the mattress beneath my body, the sound of the hotel fan humming away quietly.

i opened my eyes. this was real.

every bruise he left, every scar on my skin, every scream that escaped my lips...it was all real.

and i realised in that moment, it didn't matter how far i ran. i could be on another planet to that monster, his scars and marks will always be with me.

i don't think nikki understood. the bruises on my arms were only the beginning.

i still remember him covering my mouth when he...i still remember my eyes burning from the tears.

in all honesty, seeing the light of day again was a miracle to me.

what if nikki sent me back?

my heart raced against my chest and every emotion he ever made me feel came rushing back all at once, the feeling so extreme it woke me up.

i snapped up in my bed screaming. sobbing my heart out, every inch of my body sweating.

mick jumped up out of his bed and ran over. "LILLIAN? lillian it's okay! it's okay..." he said, sitting next to me whilst placing a hand on my cheek as tears spilled down my cheeks, my breathing insanely fast.

"pl-please mick...i can't go back home, i-i can't...." i said between shaky breaths and sobs. "he hurt me. i can't go back." my voice cracked. i saw his eyes wonder down to my arms as he held my hands in his. he looked back up at me, his lips parted slightly.

"i promise you. no one will lay a fucking hand on you. ever again. i promise, lilly." he said before pulling me into his chest, leaning back as i lay into him, feeling comforted by this, once again feeling my cheeks burning. i fucking love him. may be too soon to say it, but whatever.

he kissed the top of my head before he rested his chin on the top of it.

i smiled to myself, listening to his heartbeat in an attempt to calm down.

we sat enjoying the silence before i heard his voice.

"love of my life...you've hurt me."

i felt my heart stop as he began singing softly.

"you've broken my heart, and now you leave me..."

he continued rubbing circles on my shoulder and i felt serene in this moment, my whole body overwhelmed with love.

"love of my life, can't you see? bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me..."

i eventually dropped off to sleep as mick lulled me with his voice.

interesting song choice. i went to sleep hoping, PRAYING, that it meant more than he probably intended it to be.