heaven ☆ mick mars

42.

TRIGGER WARNING: needles

this is a long ass chapter folks!!

i had no comprehension of time. this became dauntingly evident when i came around to consciousness again.

it could've been an hour, two. or maybe days. your guess is as good as mine.

the light was on. fucking wish it wasn't.

and i still felt like pure shit.

i had fallen asleep against the wall. i glanced down to see a needle in my arm. had it been the one that john put there? a new one? who knows. it felt like things couldn't get much worse, so i pulled the needle out of my arm with no fuss. i already felt horrific.

complete hopelessness flooded my mind. i wanted to be anywhere but here right now, even unconsciousness was more appealing than this shithole.

was i still in the states? how the fuck did they even find my exact whereabouts in the first place?

i wanted the band. i wanted to be with dewy, richie, sam and sophie.

i wanted mick.

fuck, why?

he hurt me. fuck that, destroyed me. i trusted him wholeheartedly. he abused that. he walked away from us. he couldn't even muster the strength to fight for us.

but i miss that man.

i miss laughing with him. i miss our openness, our ability to talk about anything and everything. the comfortable silence. travelling the states together. our intimate moments. feeling safe with each other.

i miss all of it.

vince, tommy, my brother. the whole circus act that they are, in any environment. their chaotic energy. i miss how i fit in nicely to that madness. i thrived off it. i could sleep at night.

i was too busy crying at my circumstances to notice that someone had come down the stairs, and opened the door.

i shit bricks. until i saw who it was.

"hiya sweetie..." she smiled softly, in a nurturing and concerned manner. "how you feeling."

i furrowed my eyebrows. "fucking fantastic."

she rubbed her hands, fidgeting, unsure of how to approach me.

her face lit up. "i brought you some food!" she brought over a bag that she had placed by the door. "your favourite takeaway. it's a little cold, i had to sneak it in-"

"i don't care." i interrupted blankly, my voice still croaky, so i said it with as much integrity as i could achieve.

her face dropped, "but lillian, you need to-"

"i don't..want it." the anger seethed inside me, i tried to keep it contained.

she took a few steps towards me and cautiously placed the bag in front of me, like i was on the verge of exploding.

"please, lilly." she pleaded.

i sniffed before exhaling shakily. my eyes met hers. i imagine i looked as ferrel as i felt.

"i'll eat. if you answer my questions."

diana hesitated before sitting on the floor a few feet from me. she nodded.

"where am i?"

"you're home."

"bullshit." i squinted my eyes at her and shook my head. "are we still in the states?"

"yes."

i considered my questions carefully.

"how long has it been since you kidnapped me?"

she looked down at her hands uncomfortably. "two weeks."

this information winded me. i don't know why. maybe i was expecting her to say longer. maybe i was praying for shorter.

"how have i made it this long..w-without food or water?" i stumbled through my sentence as my attempt at being tough fell apart.

"oh honey..you've had food and water. you've been so out of it, you probably don't remember. honestly, i told john that the drugs weren't necessary, he wouldn't listen.."

my head felt like it was stuck in a clamp.

i felt at a loss for words, completely speechless. my chest throbbed.

"..how?" i whispered, my eyes filled with tears. "how did you find out exactly where i was?" my voice cracked.

"...please, lilly. eat."

"does nikki know i'm here?" i demanded to know, my voice getting louder.

she looked over at a tv that sat in the corner. i looked as well before looking back at her, confusion and frustration in my expression.

gingerly, she stood up and headed over to the device.

she froze as heavy footsteps thundered down the stairs.

i could see the terror in her own expression.

john examined the scene for a few seconds.

"what's going on here?" i fucking despised his voice. his face. his presence. i hated the fact that his existence made my skin crawl, my muscles tense.

my mom opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. she merely watched as john marched towards me, snatching the white bag away from the ground.

he faced my mother now. "what do you call this?" my mom was like a fish, the way she kept opening and closing her jaw, unsure of what to respond with.

john turned to face me, a sneer on his face.

"you eat when i fucking say you can eat."

in a quick motion he grabbed my mother's wrist and dragged her out of the room. i caught a glimpse of her concerned expression as she looked back at me.

john slammed the door and i heard it lock immediately.

i could hear him shouting as their voices grew distant. another door slammed and then, i couldn't hear anything.

panic started to set in. there was no way out of here. no windows, no vents, nothing. i thought of barricading the door, mustering all of my strength to move what little furniture was in here, but what was the point? i'd die in here.

not only that, an urge was growing in my stomach. a yearn for something euphoric.

i pushed it away, physically shaking my head to ignore it.