So Wrong Yet Feels So Right

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Oh, fuck!

Mabilis kong tinakbong muli ang banyo para sumuka. Hindi nakatulong na nahihilo din ako at masakit ang ulo.

Aksidente kong natabig ang lampara na nasa bedside table pero hindi muna iyon ang inintindi ko.

Habang inilalabas ang sama sa tiyan ko ay narinig kong kumakatok sa labas ng pinto si Rafa. I know that it's him, kami lang naman ang magkasama sa bahay.

My door opened and Rafa found me.

"I heard something fell. Are you okay-" napahinto siya sa labas ng banyo. Hindi ko siya masagot dahil sa sama ng pakiramdam ko.

"You're sick again? I'll get you medicine," pagkatapos kong maghilamos ay inalalayan ako ni Rafa pabalik sa kama ko.

"Amanda, really... go to a doctor," sermon ni Rafa. "It's been days that you're always sick in the morning!"

That's true. Ilang araw na akong laging nagigising ng ganito. Kung sana ay masasabi kong nasasanay ako habang tumatagal pero hindi. Parang bago lang lagi. Hindi ko naman masabing may sakit ako dahil nawawala din naman agad. It just always happened in the morning.

"I'm fine, Rafa..."

"Now you're fine. How about tomorrow? Why don't you want to be check?"

Alam kong naiinis na sa akin si Rafa. Siya na ang naglilinis ngayon ng natabig kong ilaw. It was a vintage lamp, sayang at nasira ko.

"I don't have an idea what's your life in the Philippines aside from what it was already is ever since in the family." Rafa started talking. He's just a year older than me but he's always like this, acting like a big brother.

Honestly, I'm very happy that he's like that. I can feel his genuine concern to me. I know that he is the type whom I can seek for advice and ask for help. Pero... hindi ako sanay.

Ngayon ko lang din narealize, lagi akong humahanap ng atensyon at pagmamahal... ng care. Iyon ang lagi kong dasal, gusto ko iyong maramdaman. Gusto kong may makapansin naman sa akin ng totoo. Gusto kong may malaappreciate naman ng existence ko sa mundong ito.

Pero ngayong kahit papaano ay meron na... hindi pala ako sanay.

Hindi ko alam kung papaano dapat ako magrereact. I want to tell everything to Rafa because he isn't just a cousin or a big brother to me... he is also a friend.

But living more than twenty years without a friend... I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him everything inside me but it seems like I am unable to speak. The barrier I got for and from the people around me is making me unable to speak.

Kahit pala hinahanap-hanap ko ang ganito...  nasanay na din ako na mag-isa.

"I don't really want to say this... but, I think..." pumikit ako. Naiiyak ako pero ayokong ipakita kay Rafa. Hindi ako handa sa kung ano ang maaari niyang sabihin.

"I think... I really think you're pregnant."

He dropped the bomb.

Nakapikit akong naluha.

I'm not dumb. I know that my behavior lately plus my unusual morning sickness is something.

I'm trying to disregard the idea or even just a thought of it pero bumabalik pa din. I researched and all the sign matches. I'm not yet seeing a doctor because I am not sure if I am ready to hear any confirmation.

"Amanda..."

We only did it once and that was my first time. I know the possible consequences but I didn't expect for it to really happen.