𝐇𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 |𝟏𝟖+

31 || Confusion

Edited: 10.15.2022

Song: our time - Russ

𝔚𝔚𝔚
Giana

I had never understood the sexist myth of women being such complicated creatures, while men were simple and laid back.

Because men were beyond confusing, and in the years before his death I had learned papá was one of those confusing men.

Many men lacked emotional intelligence and it was partly due to the fact that society has been telling them how to act since the beginning of time - just like they were women.

Thus the rise of toxic masculinity.

With papá it was his absence. He was never really around, always working. Providing.

Sure he was physically there at times but in a sense he was never really present. Except, of course, when I did something wrong.

In that case he was right there to punish me.

Punishment and discipline were papá's specialties. And in the seven years he was in my life he had made sure to keep me well behaved.

It was really all he seemed to do when around but I was still very much a daddy's girl growing up. Alway following papá around, clinging to him, never letting him go anywhere without trying to run after him.

He never grew found of my want for his attention and affection, but that still never stopped me. I still loved my grumpy papá.

Since he wasn't fond of physical touch, when I hugged him or ran into his arms and kissed him he would always make sure to tell me how useless it was.

I often found myself taking his harsh words and forms of punishment the wrong way. But mamá would always reassure me that it meant he loved me more.

He just had a funny way of showing it and I just had to adjust.

So when he would lock me in the dark closet for time out or make me skip dinner for misbehaving, I would accept it because he loved me, and I wanted to be loved by him.

Papà was the first ever confusing man I had met. And little did I know that he would be the first of many others I would encountered in my life.

And the man currently hugging me to his bare chest was another one of them.

I had spent the past few days coming to terms with the fact that I had taken things too far.

If Alessio really was so adamant on not wanting me in the sexual way, I shouldn't have continued pushing so far. 

I was far more manipulative than I'd anticipated and even if my intentions weren't all that ill, I hadn't stopped to respect his wishes. 

I had led him to think my flirty personality was normal all the while I was using it to further my own hidden agenda.

And so I was getting over it. Over him.

But then my understanding of the entire situation had crumbled in the span of one night because of a kiss.

Alessio kissed me.