Just be there

Izzie

Casey dragged me through the door, and we saw Elsa at the kitchen counter buttering toast. "Oh hey Izzie!" Elsa said brightly to me. "Mom, can we talk to you?" Casey asked.

"Of course! Have a seat." Elsa put down the butter knife and sat across from them, looking at both of us intently.

Casey looks at me, and I look down. "Well mom, the thing is Izzie needs a place to stay, for more than just a few day." Casey said.

"Well of course" Elsa said. I was still looking my lap, but I felt Elsa gently stroke my hair. I look up at her, seeing more love in her face than I ever did in my own mother's. "Sweetie, I meant it when I said our door is always open, you can stay here as long as you need" Elsa said in a reassuring tone. I blink back tears, as Casey's phone rings. She glances at it, and leans over and kisses my cheek. "I need to take this, but I'll be back in just a minute, okay?" I nod at Casey and she gets up and walks outside.

"Why don't you come sit on the couch with me while we wait?" Elsa says as she stands up and walks to living room.

I get up and follow her, sitting facing her on the couch. "Did something happen Izzie?" Elsa asks me gently. "My mom OD'd yesterday" I say looking at my lap. "Oh sweetie, that can't be easy for you." Elsa says as she reaches out and gives my knee a loving squeeze. "Yeah, I don't even know if I'm really sad or not, I'm mostly just mad honestly, and that makes me feel like the worst person ever, what kind of heartless person doesn't feel sad when their mom dies?" I stop talking as I feel embarrassed, but Elsa is such a good listener I couldn't help myself.

"Well honey, that's understandable. Your mom didn't make things easy for you. It's okay to be mad Izzie" Elsa says gently. As she hears Casey coming back in she leans forward and says quietly " I'm always here to talk, anytime"
On impulse I reach forward and hug her, Elsa wraps her arms around me tightly.
I hear Casey walk in and sit beside me, but I don't let Elsa go. She doesn't let me go either. I think of how my own mom never held me like this, never called me sweetie, never looked at me with such love and understanding, and something inside me breaks. I start to cry, and than I lose control and my cries become loud uncontrollable wails. I feel insurmountable grief, but it is because of the loss of what my relationship with my mother should have been, not her actual death.
I feel Elsa holding me even tighter and stroking the back of my hair. "It's okay Izzie, let it out sweetheart" I hear Elsa murmur into my ear.
Here I am losing it, wailing and sobbing into my girlfriend's mother's shoulder. I should be mortified, but instead I feel comforted. As I start to calm down Elsa continues to hold me, and I hear her tell Casey to go get me a glass of water and some tissues.

I let go and lean back, and take the tissues Casey hands me and wipe my face and my nose. "I'm sorry about that" I say to Elsa, and she shakes her head at me. "You have nothing to be sorry for Izzie" Elsa tells me gently.
Elsa looks at Casey and says "We will discuss some ground rules to having your girlfriend living here for the foreseeable future later, but for now why don't you take Izzie upstairs to rest? You both look exhausted"

Casey nods and gently helps me to my feet. "Thanks Mom" she says smiling at her mother.
She leads me upstairs and I ask if she has something more comfortable I can borrow. I slept in my jeans last night. "Of course." She grabs me a pair of grey sweatpants and her white Nike shirt, and holds them up questionably. "Those will work,thanks"
I go into the bathroom to change, which is probably silly as Casey has seen me naked but I feel awkward right now after my meltdown with her mother.

I come back into her room and Casey is already under the covers. She pats the bed beside her invitingly, and I get under the covers and slide into her waiting arms. She kisses my forehead, and I lift my face and look at her lips. She smiles lightly, and leans in to kiss my lips gently. I kiss her again, and slide my hands up into her hair. I kiss her harder, and run my tongue along her bottom lip to try to gain entry. Casey pulls back from me, and I feel a little hurt.

"Izzie" she says tenderly and kisses my forehead. "Look I don't think this is the time. You're going through a lot right now, let's just rest" She looks deeply into my eyes and I want to be mad, but I'm finding that difficult as I know she is right, but I still pout a little. "Izzie, it's not that I don't want to, I love kissing you and being intimate with you, let's just wait. If you still want to after our nap, I'm all yours." Casey says smiling at me.
"Promise?" I say trying my best not to sound like a whiny child.
"Always" Casey says and kisses my nose. I can't help it, I smile back at her.